therumjournals | Noah (A Star Trek RPF Fanfic)

Title: Noah
Author:

therumjournals
Fandom: Star Trek RPF
Pairing: Zach/Chris
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 9,650
Summary: Zach loses Noah, and Chris is the one to find him.
Warning: character death [of the 4-legged variety]
A/N: Okay, this might seem like the most depressing birthday gift on earth. But I swear to you, she actually asked for this! Or something like it. So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, halfbreedchild!!!
A/N2: Please heed the warning. If you have a dog, you might want to have it nearby so you can give it a little cuddle.

i. Brother Mine

I talk to him when I'm lonesome like; and I'm sure he understands.
When he looks at me so attentively, and gently licks my hands;
Then he rubs his nose on my tailored clothes, but I never say naught thereat.
For the good Lord knows I can buy more clothes, but never a friend like that.

**

Buzz buzz. Buzz buzz.

Chris squirmed in his seat. His phone had been going off in his pocket for the past 30 minutes, but he was at lunch with his parents, and they hated it when he checked his Blackberry during meals. He tried to listen to what they were saying, but his phone buzzed again and he excused himself from the table.

Six missed calls from Zach, and a text from 20 minutes ago that read hey you around? He hit speed dial and waited for Zach to answer.

“Chris, thank god.”

“What’s going on, Zach, is everything okay?”

“Um, yeah, uh, look, are you in the neighborhood?” Zach sounded nervous, his words coming too quickly.

“Nah, I’m out with my parents. What’s going on?”

“Oh. Um, you know what, don’t worry about it, it’s not that big a deal, just give me a call-“

“Zach, you called me six times in the last thirty minutes, what the fuck is going on? Please tell me.”

“Six times?”

“Six times.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry.” Chris could practically hear Zach pacing.

“What is it?”

“It’s just, Noah’s missing, and I’m kind of freaking out a little, and I was just hoping you could come help me look for him.”

“Oh man, Zach. Did you check under the bed and everything?”

“Yes, I fucking checked under the bed!”

“Zach, calm down, okay? Take a deep breath for me.”

“Sorry, I’m sorry. Just, the last time I saw him was, like, four hours ago and I’m starting to get really nervous. Joe’s driving around the neighborhood, I’m gonna go put up some fliers, I just...”

“I’m coming over. I’ll help you out, man.”

“Look, Chris, I didn’t mean to interrupt your lunch, just come over when you’re done eating or whatever.”

“I’m coming over right now, Zach. Do you want me to stop by that other park that we went to that one time and look around there? It’s on the way.”

“Yeah, maybe. I mean, he’s only been there a couple times but…yeah, okay. Thanks, Chris.”

“Hang in there, alright? I’m sure we’ll find him soon.”

“Yeah. Okay.”

Chris heard silence on the other end of the phone as Zach ended the call, and a voice in his head told him hurry.

“Hey guys,” Chris told his parents, “I’m really sorry to do this, but I’ve gotta go. Noah’s missing and Zach is really freaking out.”

His mom raised a skeptical eyebrow, and Chris knew what she meant. Zach freaking out was a very rare occurrence, the idea of Zach freaking out somewhat difficult to even imagine. But Chris was one of the privileged few to have witnessed it in action, which was all the more reason he knew he had to get there soon.

They nodded their understanding as Chris pulled on his jacket and jogged out of the restaurant. In the car, he forced himself to stay within ten miles of the speed limit, but his whole body was vibrating with a nervous anxiety. He wasn’t sure whether he was more concerned for Noah or Zach, but the effect was the same either way.

When he got to the park on the edge of Silver Lake, Chris put his hazards on and slowed to a crawl. He stared out the window, scanning the grassy space for Noah, who he expected to find prancing and frolicking about with his newfound freedom. Which is why he didn’t even notice the gray lump at the edge of the grass until he had almost driven past it. He slammed on the brakes, jumped out of the car, and raced across the sidewalk, no, fuck no…

Chris dropped to his knees beside Noah’s prone form. “Hey buddy,” he said softly, leaning in close. Noah’s tail thumped once and his eyes rolled around until he was looking at Chris. His breaths were coming fast and shallow, and he whimpered when Chris ran a hand down his side. There was a bloody gash across his ribs, staining the matted fur, and something looked off about his back legs. Chris closed his eyes and swallowed, then slid his arms under Noah and lifted him carefully to carry him to the car. Noah echoed his whimper as he set the dog’s fragile body gently across the back seat. When Chris climbed into the driver’s seat, he realized that he was blinking back tears, moisture catching in his eyelashes, and he knew it wasn’t Noah he was crying for.

Chris saw the fliers before he saw Zach, LOST DOG and a full color picture of Noah adorning nearly every single tree on the block. He went to honk the horn but thought better of it, instead pulling over and calling out to Zach a few houses down.

“Chris!” Zach jogged toward him, relief and anxiety flickering across his face.

“I found Noah,” Chris said, but he grabbed Zach by the shoulders to keep him from going any closer to the car. “Zach, he’s hurt.” Chris tightened his grip until Zach looked at him. “It looks pretty bad, but we’re gonna get him to the vet now.”

Zach pulled away from Chris and yanked on the handle of the back door. “Open the fucking door, Chris!” Zach snapped, and Chris fumbled with his keychain to hit the unlock button. Finally Zach got the door open and dropped down to take Noah’s face in his hands.

“Hey, buddy,” he said, running a soothing hand over his brow. “It’s okay, you’re going to be okay.” He glanced over Noah’s twisted, bleeding body and a sob caught in his throat. “Shit, Chris, shit, no, no, no-“ he chanted, pressing a hand against his mouth.

Chris’s heart thumped painfully in his chest at the broken sound in Zach’s voice, and he almost wished he hadn’t been the one… He pushed the thought from his head and knelt down beside Zach, squeezing his shoulder. “It’s not as bad as it looks,” he lied. “Come on, Zach, climb in. We’ve gotta go.” He kept a hand on Zach as he guided him into the car, not sure which of them he was comforting. Zach insisted on folding himself uncomfortably on the floor, where he could press his face into Noah’s fur and tell him everything was going to be all right.

Chris threw himself into the driver’s seat and stepped on the gas, driving as quickly as he dared. He knew exactly where the animal hospital was, had gone there once with Zach because – why had he even gone, he couldn’t remember now. Because Zach would call Chris randomly on a Saturday morning and buy him coffee in exchange for his company as they drove around Silver Lake, picking up dry cleaning and pet food and heartworm medication. And why did he feel an ache in his chest now just thinking about that, like if they didn’t get there fast enough, everything was going to change. He blinked hard and focused all of his attention on the road, racing to get there before it was too late.

Chris parked across three handicapped spaces in front of the vet’s office and ran inside. “My friend’s dog was hit by a car,” he panted to the receptionist. “He’s outside, please hurry!” He waited for two long, distressing minutes, hands clutching his hair until two vet techs burst through the waiting room to follow him outside. Chris opened the back door, and they had to wrestle Zach out of the car before they could get to Noah, leaning down to slide him gently onto a small stretcher. In any other instance Chris would have found the existence of doggie stretchers rather amusing - but right now it seemed like the most important thing in the world.

*

“Mr. Quinto, can I speak with you for a moment?”

Chris felt his stomach plummet as Zach stood.

“You can bring your friend.” Chris was on his feet as soon as she said the words, and he followed Zach into the small office.

“Mr. Quinto, we’ve managed to stabilize Noah for the moment, but I want to be honest with you here. His back legs and pelvis are shattered and he’s bleeding internally. He’s in a lot of pain and is likely to remain that way.”

Zach sucked in a breath. “Look, just do the surgery, or whatever, okay? I don’t care how much it costs.”

“I really wish I brought you in here to talk about cost, but in reality all surgery will do is prolong his life – and his pain – for a few more days. I don’t say this lightly, but I do recommend putting him down.”

“NO!”

“Zach,” Chris said, reaching to touch his arm, but Zach wrenched his arm away and stood up. He walked over to the window and stared outside, his arms crossed, blinking rapidly.

“I just…are you sure you can’t fix him?” Zach asked, his voice weak. “Can you just try…?”

The phone rang on the vet’s desk and she answered it. Zach and Chris watched as she listened intently, her mouth pursing into a frown. She said a few brief words and hung up, and looked across the desk with pity in her eyes.

“That was the surgeon.” She paused and took a shaky breath. Chris found it simultaneously heartbreaking and comforting that the vet was so obviously upset by having to deliver bad news. “Noah’s not going to make it, Mr. Quinto. Come with me, and take some time to say goodbye. We’ll put him down gently instead of letting him stay in pain for his last few hours.”

They followed her through the back hallway. Chris glanced into another exam room to see a young woman grappling with a chubby pug, cajoling it to sit still for its shots. He felt a stab of anger at how unfair it was that she would get to take her fat, stupid little dog home from this place, while Zach would have to leave his best friend behind.

Chris paused at the door of the exam room, putting a hand on Zach’s arm as he went to step inside. “Are you okay?”

Zach’s eyes were full of pain as he shook his head.

“Do you need me?”

“I…I just need to say goodbye,” he said.

“I’ll be here when you get out.”

Chris heard the doctor tell him that she’d be outside, and to let her know when he was ready. She pulled the door closed behind her, leaving Zach and Noah alone.

The doctor gave Chris a sympathetic glance, and an awkward silence descended over them as they waited.

Zach opened the door after exactly five minutes. Chris knew he could have stayed in there for hours, knew he’d been looking at the clock to make sure he didn’t take too much of the doctor’s time. His eyes were red, but he nodded to the doctor that he was ready and she stepped past him into the room.

Chris gave Zach a valiant smile, but his expression faltered as Zach met his eyes. He saw Zach swallow hard, shaking his head as he tried to breathe. “I can’t, Chris, I can’t, I’m not ready to say goodbye.”

Chris’s heart was breaking, and he had no words, nothing that he could say to take away Zach’s pain. He set a comforting hand on Zach’s shoulder, glancing away as he fought off his own tears.

Zach took a deep breath and turned back toward the exam room, but he only managed one step before he turned around. He rubbed a hand over his neck. “Chris, would you…will you come in there with me?”

“God, yes, of course,” Chris breathed, hoping his voice didn’t betray how relieved he was that he didn’t have to watch Zach go in alone. “Are you sure?”

Zach nodded, and Chris followed him into the room.

Noah lay stretched out on the exam table, a fuzzy blue blanket between his still form and the cold steel. Zach knelt on a chair beside the table and took Noah’s face in his hands, murmuring soft words of comfort as the vet prepared the injection.

Chris sat quietly on a hard plastic chair and rested his elbows on his knees. He wasn’t sure where to look, not wanting to intrude on Zach’s privacy, but he couldn’t help but be drawn to the sight of Noah’s fuzzy head in Zach’s arms, big brown eyes dull with pain but still so obviously full of adoration. Chris put his hands over his mouth as he watched the vet step closer and explain to Zach in a low voice what was going to happen. Zach nodded, and the vet took Noah’s paw in a gentle hand and slipped the needle into his vein. Noah didn’t flinch or whimper. He took a deep breath, gave a lazy lick at Zach’s hand, and closed his eyes.

Chris squeezed his eyes shut and breathed deeply, willing himself not to cry, to stay strong so that Zach could be the one to fall apart.

Zach had buried his face in Noah’s fur, and he didn’t look up until the doctor gently touched his shoulder and told him that Noah was gone. Tears slid down Zach’s cheeks, but he wiped them away hastily, breathing deeply and nodding to Chris that he was ready to go. Chris stood on shaky legs and waited by the door as Zach gave Noah one last rub over his fuzzy head before he turned away.

Neither of them spoke on the car ride home. Chris concentrated on driving, on keeping his breathing steady and his eyes dry. Zach didn’t cry either, though Chris almost wished he would – he knew it would be easier to keep his own emotions at bay if he was busy comforting someone else instead. But Zach just blinked a lot and wiped his nose on the back of his sleeve and stared silently out the window as they drove home through familiar streets.

Chris parked the car in Zach’s driveway and climbed out, slamming the door behind him. He’d taken a few steps up the walkway before he realized that Zach wasn’t following. He was still in the passenger seat, staring blankly out the front window. Chris opened the door and looked down at him. “Hey, Zach? We’re home. Come on inside.”

When Zach didn’t respond, he leaned a little closer and reached out to give his shoulder a little shake.

“Zach? Come on, buddy. Are you in shock or something?” Shit, he probably shouldn’t joke about that. “Zach!” He said it more forcefully, accompanied by a light slap on the cheek. Finally, Zach met his eyes with a dull glare.

“There you are. You alright?”

“I’m fine,” Zach said flatly, shoving past Chris as he climbed out of the car and headed down the walkway. Chris shook his head and followed, speeding up to match Zach’s pace. Zach fumbled with his key for a second, but he got the door open and stepped inside, and Chris put a hand over his mouth at the sight of Noah’s toys strewn across the room. He braced himself for Zach’s reaction, but Zach didn’t seem to notice. Chris followed him through the living room and into the kitchen, where he stopped in his tracks, staring at Noah’s food and water bowls on the floor.

“Zach? Come on, let’s sit down. Let me get you a drink or something. Are you okay?”

As he watched, Zach’s shoulders started to shake, and Chris took a step forward, just in time to catch him as his legs gave way. “Okay,” Chris soothed, lowering him gently to the floor. “I got you, you’re okay. Come here.” Chris eased him into a sitting position against the cabinets and wrapped both arms around his shoulders as he sobbed. Tears streamed down Zach’s face, and he didn’t even try to wipe them away.

Chris had no idea how long they sat on the kitchen floor, only that his legs were cramping up and his arms were sore from supporting Zach’s body weight. The light coming in through the windows was growing dim. He thought vaguely of dinner, but even if he had been hungry, he had no desire to let go of Zach long enough to even call for take-out. Instead he shifted slightly and resumed rubbing a soothing pattern across Zach’s arm.

“Hey Zach?” he whispered a few minutes later, when the kitchen was falling into shadows. Zach grunted, and Chris turned toward him, brushing his lips against Zach’s temple. “You wanna go to bed?” He felt Zach shrug. “Come on. Let me help you.” He stood slowly, wincing as pain shot through his arms and back. Instead of offering Zach a hand, he leaned down, wrapped his arms under Zach’s armpits, and hauled him up until he was standing propped against the counter. He cupped Zach’s face in his hands. “You with me?” Zach nodded, and Chris was glad that his eyes weren’t glassy or dull like they had been before, and he could tell that it was Zach looking at him, sad and exhausted, but aware. “Good. You need to pee or anything? Need some water.”

Zach shook his head and closed his eyes, and a tear slid down his cheek. He raised a hand to wipe it away, then Chris took his damp palm and led him down the hallway toward the bedroom. Zach fell onto the bed without ceremony, and Chris lay down beside him. For a second he wondered what he was doing, but then Zach was clinging to him and he was clinging back, murmuring soothing words as he felt the moisture of Zach’s tears soaking through his t-shirt. After a little while, Zach’s sobs trailed off and his body stopped shuddering in Chris’s arms. Chris might have thought he was asleep if not for the quiet sniffs that broke the silence every few seconds. Chris pressed a kiss to his damp hair and relaxed his embrace so he could take Zach’s face in his hands. Zach met his eyes, and even in the darkness Chris could see the sadness in them, moisture glistening in his eyelashes as he geared up for a fresh onslaught of tears.

“Hey, hey, shhh, come on, Zach, just breathe, in and out, there you go. Let’s get some sleep, alright? I’ve got you.” He cupped Zach’s face in his hands, running a thumb over his cheekbone, and Zach turned his face to press into the palm of his hand. Chris felt something else there amongst the sadness, and he was trying to figure out what it was when Zach leaned in and kissed him on the lips.

God, yeah, that’s what it was, Chris thought, and as easy as that he was returning the kiss, kisses by then, soft pecks bumping against each others’ lips. Chris opened his mouth and their tongues touched and Zach drew in a shuddery breath and Chris remembered why he was here and pulled away.

“Zach, I can’t…I don’t think we should-“

He was cut off by Zach’s hand clutching at the back of his head, pulling him forward into a kiss, open mouthed and a little frantic and Zach’s face was damp with tears and snot.

Chris pushed himself away, gripped the front of Zach’s t-shirt in his hands and touched their foreheads together. “Hey.”

Zach stilled, breathing hard, but his hand relaxed and he waited for Chris.

“You’re really upset, Zach, and…kinda snotty, to be honest. I just, I’m not sure if we should do this right now.”

Zach sniffed and squeezed his eyes shut.

“Look, if you…if you still….tomorrrow…”

Zach nodded and breathed, “Okay. Yeah.”

Chris kissed Zach on his tear-stained cheek, then kissed him again, and he was really starting to care less about the snot, but he made himself stop and wrapped Zach in his arms again. Zach was quiet for a few minutes, then Chris heard his voice, soft and unsure, muffled against his chest.

“Tomorrow?”

Chris smiled. “Yeah. Tomorrow.”

He ran his hand softly over Zach’s back, waiting for him to fall asleep. Waited until his shoulders rose and fell in an even rhythm and his body relaxed in his arms.

Only then did he let the tears come.

ii. Come Home to My Heart

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.

**

Zach’s face was buried in his pillow, and Chris leaned over him to make sure he was still breathing. He rested his forehead on Zach’s back, running his hand over the soft hoodie, and felt Zach breathe underneath him. He wasn’t sure how much longer he’d be able to do this – when Zach would come back to his senses and reality would come crashing back in, and the thought made his chest hurt, and he dragged himself out of the bed.

In the kitchen, he put on the coffee and glanced around, frowning as his gaze jumped from Noah’s water bowl to the cans of food stacked on the counter to the rope bone and well-loved, drool-matted stuffed squirrel lying on the living room floor. He imagined Zach waking up and breaking down all over again, and he had an idea. With the sound of dripping coffee as background, he moved through the house, picking up anything related to Noah and sorting it out – Noah’s toys and bandanas in a wicker basket that he found in the closet, his food into a paper bag to be donated to a shelter when Zach felt up to it. He teared up a little when he found a Christmas penguin squeaky toy still in its wrapping in the closet, pictured Zach buying it months ahead of time and actually saving it until the appropriate holiday, as if Noah could tell the difference. Hell, knowing Zach he’d probably wrap it and put a tag on it and take home videos of Noah opening it. Chris closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the wall until the wave of sadness passed.

For a long moment, Chris considered what to do with Noah’s bed. The cat had abandoned his own pillow in favor of curling up on Noah’s larger one, like he was keeping it warm for when Noah returned. Chris chuckled to himself – knowing Harold, it was more likely that he was just taking advantage of Noah’s absence to claim what he knew to be his rightful throne. In the end, Chris decided to just drag the bed down the hall into a less obvious location. Harold looked up at him indignantly as he slid the bed across the floor, but Chris made sure the morning light filtering in through the backdoor hit him just right, and Harold was perfectly content to go back to sleep.

Chris poured himself a cup of coffee and glanced in the bedroom door to make sure Zach was still asleep, before moving into the office to complete the final part of his plan. He opened Zach’s laptop and quickly found what he was looking for – a folder conveniently titled “Noah Pics.” He clicked through them, smiling fondly as he looked at the images. Most were of Noah in the house or the yard, doing what Chris was sure Zach considered something adorable, although they all looked pretty much the same. The best ones were those that someone else had taken – Joe, maybe – capturing moments of friendship between Zach and Noah. It was these that Chris chose to print out – Zach on the floor with Noah, playing tug of war with the squirrel toy, Zach rubbing Noah’s belly or beaming with pride as Noah stood dutifully on his hind legs to get a treat.

Most of the pictures that Zach had in the house were framed, but Chris took the newly printed photos into the kitchen and gave them a place of honor on the fridge. He knew he was treading a fine line here – he didn’t want Zach to think he was trying to erase every trace of Noah – but at the same time, he didn’t want Zach to be overwhelmed by reminders of something that was no longer there, to leave things looking as though Noah might wander in at any moment. This was his compromise. He just hoped Zach understood.

He poured another mug of coffee, and took it down the hall, pausing in the doorway of the bedroom. Zach was lying on his side, clutching a pillow to his chest and staring blankly at the wall. He didn’t look up as Chris stepped into the room and sat down gently beside him. Chris set the coffee mug down on the bedside table and reached down to lift a lock of hair that had fallen in Zach’s eyes.

“Hey,” he said softly. “How you feelin’?”

Zach met his eyes and he swallowed. His voice was rough, his throat raw from the force of last night’s sobs. “I feel… like the worst thing that could have happened to me, just happened.”

Chris closed his eyes so that the look of pain on Zach’s face wouldn’t break him. “I know,” baby. “I know.” He took a shaky breath, gave Zach’s shoulder an awkward pat, and reached over to fuss with the coffee mug. “I, uh, brought you some coffee.”

Zach nodded, then his lips curved down at the corners like the existence of coffee was the most tragic thing he’d ever heard, and he pressed his face into the pillow he was holding, his shoulders stiff as he held off the tears.

Chris rubbed his arm lightly for a few minutes before he gave in, climbing under the covers behind Zach. He held him close, knowing that the more minutes that passed between Noah’s death and the moment that Zach had to get out of bed and face the day, the easier it would be.

*

Chris woke up groggy and alone in Zach’s bed. He sat up and rubbed a hand over his face, yawned, and stumbled to the bathroom. He was splashing water over his face when he realized that Zach must have gone out into the living room, which meant – “Shit!”

Chris skidded out of the bathroom and came to a halt in the middle of the bedroom. Zach was staring at him from the doorway.

“You threw out Noah’s toys,” he said flatly.

“I didn’t throw them out, Zach, I just put them away-“

“Why the fuck would you think that was okay?” Zach spat, and Chris recoiled at the sudden anger and the twisted-up expression on Zach’s face.

“I…I just thought it would be easier –“

“Well, it’s NOT, okay? It’s not easier, and I just-“ Zach’s voice was cracking and Chris took a step toward him, but he backed off when Zach looked up at him with a furious glint in his eye. “You’re trying to make me forget him and I don’t want to forget him!”

“I don’t want you to forget him! Didn’t you see the pictures I put up? I’m just trying to help, Zach!”

“Well, I don’t want you to HELP,” Zach yelled. “I’m not an invalid, I’m just…I’m just SAD, okay, and I just need to be sad and I just want you to leave me alone!”

“Zach, come on, let me-“

“No!” Zach rubbed the heels of his hands into his eyes. “Just go home, or something,” he said, his voice muffled.

“Zach…”

“Get OUT!” Zach said, and he actually stomped his foot on the floor. Chris had a fleeting thought that Noah was probably freaking out in the other room before he remembered, and the strength of his sudden grief made him sway a little on his feet.

“Alright,” he said. “I’ll go.”

Zach didn’t look up as Chris stepped around him and out into the hall. Chris had only taken a few steps before he heard the bedroom door slam shut behind him.

*

Fifteen minutes later, Chris ran a hand through his hair in frustration, angry at himself and worried for Zach. What the fuck had he been thinking? He’d never dealt with something like this before, what right did he have to even presume to know what Zach wanted, what would make things easier. And now he’d probably fucked up everything and he didn’t know what to do.

His phone buzzed in his pocket and his stomach did a nervous flip.

“Hello?”

He heard a sniff, then “Hi.”

“Hi, Zach.”

“Chris…” Another, longer sniffle and the rustle of blankets as he listened to Zach try to pull himself together. “I’m sorry.”

“S’okay.”

“Do you, um.” Sniff. “Will you come back over? I’m sorry, okay?”

Chris grinned a little despite himself. “Yeah, okay.”

“I didn’t mean what I said, I was just-“

“Zach.”

“Yeah?”

“Come out here and talk to me. I’m on your couch.”

Sniff. “Fucker.”

*

“Bit presumptuous, don’t you think?” Zach asked as he slouched into the living room. He crossed his arms and stared at Chris, who’d mushed himself into a corner of the couch with his knees pulled up to his chest.

Chris shrugged. “I didn’t want to leave you alone.”

Zach sat down on the couch, his arms still wrapped tightly around his chest.

“Also, my shoes are still in your bedroom.”

The corner of Zach’s mouth twitched up a little in the hint of a smile.

“There ya go,” Chris said, nudging him with a foot. “Figures that if anything could make you smile, it would be my misfortune.”

“True.”

“I could do some slapstick? Got any banana peels?”

Zach almost let a full-fledged grin slip out, but then his expression sobered and Chris could see moisture gathering at the corners of his eyes.

“I’m sorry, Zach,” Chris said quietly. “I meant to tell you first, I didn’t mean for you to come out here and see-“

Zach shook his head and looked away, blinking. “It wasn’t even that. It was- I went into the kitchen and I remembered-“ He paused to wipe a hand over his eyes, still trying to hold back the tears, and Chris wanted to tell him to let go, to just let it out, but he sucked in a wavery breath and continued. “I just don’t know why he ran away, you know? Why would he do that? And then I remembered that I was supposed to go pick up more of his favorite food on the way home from yoga on Tuesday, but then I got distracted by this art gallery and then I got a snack, and I just forgot. And I had to give him his second favorite kind of food and he gave me this look and then the next day he left…” Zach trailed off, twisting his hands together in his lap.

It wasn’t funny, Chris knew it wasn’t, but if Zach could hear himself right now….he fought back a smile and reached out to rub comforting circles across Zach’s back. “Noah didn’t do it on purpose, Zach,” Chris said seriously. “He didn’t mean to leave you. He probably thought he was going on an adventure! He meant to come back, I know he did.” Fuck, now he was getting choked up, and Zach glanced at him out of the corner of his eye.

“Thanks.”

“And Zach, you are not going to forget him. Don’t worry about that, okay? You’ll never forget him and he knows that.”

“I already forget, Chris! I’m starting to forget what he smelled like. I used to bury my face in his fur when I came home, and he had this smell…” He gave Chris a rueful grin. “Is that gross? That’s gross, isn’t it?”

Chris shrugged. “It’s not gross to me. You were just showing your love. That’s how he knew that you loved him.” He had no idea what he was talking about, just hoping that the words would come to make Zach feel better, to make Zach be okay. “Plus if you really want to remember his smell, there’s a drool-encrusted squirrel in the closet that’s still covered in his doggie-musk. You want me to get Squirrely for you?”

“Nutsy.”

Chris raised an eyebrow. “Nutsy, are you kidding me? You are ridiculous.” He paused. “You want me to get Nutsy for you?”

“No,” Zach said defiantly. He stared at the ground, picking at a thread on his jeans. Chris got up from the couch and walked over to the linen closet to grab Nutsy from the box of toys.

“Here,” he said, plopping down on the couch beside Zach and handing him the squirrel. Zach’s fingers closed around the toy and his face squinched up a little as his vision blurred with fresh tears. He looked at Chris, then back down at the squirrel, running a thumb over its fur. Chris looked away with an exaggerated twist of his shoulders, and waited. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Zach raise Nutsy to his nose and take a sniff.

Chris smiled. “Better?”

Zach shrugged and nodded.

Chris shifted a little on the couch and spread his arms. “C’mere.”

Zach leaned into him without hesitation, nestling his head on Chris’s chest, still clinging tightly to Nutsy. Chris ran his hands over Zach’s arm and back and up into his hair, and leaned down to press a kiss to the top of his head. Zach looked up at him and their eyes met.

“It’s tomorrow,” Zach said quietly.

“It is.”

“You said-

Chris nodded, and Zach surged up to meet his lips. The kiss was damp and uncoordinated, and Nutsy fell forgotten to the floor as Zach reached up to take Chris’s face in his hands to make sure it never ended. Their mouths moved together, and every time their tongues grazed, Chris felt sparks of pleasure burning hot in his groin.

Zach broke the kiss and pulled away, a surprised desperation in his eyes.

“I’m so hard, Chris,” he gasped, his voice breaking.

“Zach, god, me too,” Chris said, straining up to mouth at Zach’s neck as he reached down to shove at the waistband of his sweats. He could feel Zach’s hand shaking as he worked his fly open, heard the choked-off moan as Zach touched himself.

“Zach…” They were kissing again, and Chris mumbled the words against Zach’s lips. “Let me touch you.”

Zach’s hand was flying over his cock as he stroked himself, and he moaned at Chris’s words, mashed his face against Chris’s cheek as he nodded and whispered, “Hurry.”’

Chris complied, replacing Zach’s fingers with his own and pumping hard, his own balls tightening as he felt Zach’s cock twitch in his fist. His wrist was at an awkward angle, but before he could adjust Zach shuddered and came, spurting erratically across Chris’s stomach.

Zach held himself up long enough to watch Chris slide his hand through the slick mess and take hold of his own cock, then he let his muscles go lax, burying his face in Chris’s neck.

“God, Chris,” he whispered, and Chris tensed, the muscles of his neck going rigid as he came with a groan. Zach brushed his lips against Chris’s neck, against his jaw and cheek and the corner of his mouth, until they were kissing sweetly, over and over again.

They lay on the couch for a while, after, Chris’s arm around Zach’s shoulders, holding him close. At one point, Chris’s shifted a little and reached out to pick up Nutsy from the floor. He bumped Zach’s nose with the toy until he smiled and clutched it to his chest.

“I’m glad you were there with me, yesterday,” Zach said softly.

“I didn’t know what to do,” Chris whispered, remembering the pain in Zach’s eyes, the feelings of helplessness as he’d heard Noah whimper, as he’d seen Zach fighting back tears. He tightened his arms around Zach.

“You just needed to be there,” Zach said.

“Thank you for letting me…be there. Be here. For letting me take care of you. I know you usually like to be stoic about these things, but-“

“Chris.”

“What?”

“I…I would have fallen apart without you there. Here.” He gave a small, rueful smile. “Well, I guess I fell apart a little anyway, but you know what I mean.”

“Plus, you kind of secretly wanted to kiss me,” Chris added.

Zach chuckled. “Apparently.”

“You got plans for the rest of the day?”

“Um. I was kind of just planning to lie here and be sad.”

“Mind if I join you?”

Zach’s answer was to snuggle closer, nuzzling into Chris’s chest and clinging to his arm.

Chris thought vaguely of putting on a movie or calling for takeout, but Zach’s breathing slowed and deepened, his body was heavy and warm, and Chris wasn’t going anywhere. He closed his eyes, pressed his face into Zach’s hair, and breathed him in.

iii. Calling All Angels

The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven, not man's.

**

“Can you come over?” Zach’s voice was quiet on the phone, and Chris was tempted to turn the car around and head back to Silver Lake. But he was almost to the studio already, and this meeting had been on his calendar for over a month.

“Yeah, I can, but not ‘til later. I’ve got a meeting, but I’ll swing by after?”

A few seconds passed before Zach answered. “Yeah. Okay.” It sounded forced but Chris was already pulling into the lot. He just hoped this whole thing wouldn’t take too long.

Three hours later, Chris practically ran through the parking lot to get back to his car. Fuck, that had taken forever. He checked the clock again, cursing as he pressed on the gas and sped across the city to Zach.

He pounded on the door when he got there. “Zach,” he panted, as though he’d run there instead of just breaking several traffic laws on the way. “Zach, I’m here, I’m sorry it took so long, please let me in.”

The door opened halfway through another knock and he fell forward into the house. Zach looked at him with tired eyes and let himself be pulled into an embrace. “I’m sorry I’m late,” he murmured. “Are you okay?”

He felt Zach tense, felt him press his face into Chris’s shoulder. “Noah’s ashes came today.”

“Oh Zach,” Chris said, startled to find tears springing to his eyes. “I’m so sorry.” He pressed his face against Zach’s temple, kissed him softly. “You should have told me, I would have come, I would have cancelled my meeting.” He felt Zach shrug in his arms and he squeezed him tighter. “Zach, I’m so sorry I wasn’t here.”

Zach rubbed his nose against Chris’s cheek and Chris could feel warm breath against his skin as Zach whispered, “I want…”

“What do you want, Zach?” Chris whispered, tilting his head back as Zach kissed him softly along his neck. “Just tell me what you want from me, Zach, tell me what you need, anything.”

Zach paused with his lips against Chris’s shoulder, kissed him again, then nipped at his skin, flicked his tongue out like he’d just found the most fascinating place in the world, like he wanted to learn it, memorize this place so he could come back later. When he finally pulled away, he looked up at Chris, and there was something helpless in his eyes. “I want you,” he breathed, his eyes going wide like he was surprised he’d said it, and he shook his head like he was laughing at himself.

“You know you’ve got me, Zach,” Chris said, sliding his hand under Zach’s t-shirt, pressing a palm against the warm muscles of his back.

Zach shook his head and Chris could feel his hand shaking as he pressed his palm to Chris’s cheek. “I want you more than…fuck, Chris, I just, I need you-“ With his other hand he was working at Chris’s belt, then unbuttoning his own fly and Chris pressed their lips together as he reached down to help.

It was urgent, frantic almost, their hands and mouths and the way Zach was tugging them toward the bedroom, and Chris felt a hot spike of apprehensive desire as he realized where this was going and that he wanted, desperately, to go there.

They were naked and on the bed, Chris on his back and Zach pressing a lubed-up finger against his entrance, before Zach even thought to ask.

“Wait,” he said, going still. “Chris, have you-“

“No.”

“God, I’m sor-“

“Zach, I want to,” Chris said, propping himself up an elbow, reaching for Zach as he started to pull away.

“I don’t want to push you, I don’t want you to feel like you have to-“

“Zach, do you fucking understand English, I said I want to!“

Zach’s face screwed up at his tone and Chris took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. Sorry, that was my dick speaking.”

Zach raised an eyebrow.

“I want you, I want to do this with you, I swear, I …I’ve been thinking about it, okay?”

Zach’s lips twitched. “Really? Like, when?”

“Like, during my meeting today, Zach come on,” Chris said, exasperated, pulling a laughing Zach back on top of him.

“Okay,” Zach said, his voice low and serious, and he rubbed the pad of his finger against Chris’s hole, gentler now, tender instead of desperate.

“Zach, you don’t have to be so-“

“I want to,” Zach breathed, bumping their noses together, looking into his eyes. “I want to do this with you, for you, I…this is what I need,” he finished, covering Chris’s mouth with his own for a deep, fulfilling kiss. He kissed Chris through the twinge of pain that accompanied the press of his finger, and he kissed him through his pleasured moan as the slick slide of the first thrust sent an unexpected jolt straight to his cock. Zach smiled between kisses, asking Chris if he was okay, and Chris nodded and writhed and wasn’t sure what felt better – the skilled fingers deep inside him or seeing Zach smile.

By the time Zach slid a third finger into Chris, he wasn’t smiling anymore, he was panting hard and squeezing his eyes shut and his cock was leaking a trail of precum across Chris’s leg.

“Fuck, Chris,” he moaned, then he dragged his eyes up to meet Chris’s. “I don’t want to rush you…” he panted.

“Yeah, go, now, it’s okay,” Chris said, nodding frantically, his eyes wide, and Zach was up on his knees in a second, sliding the condom onto his dick and biting his lip as he pressed slowly into Chris.

“Chris,” he groaned, when he couldn’t go any farther and he paused, shaking with desire. “You have no idea how good this feels.”

“Good,” Chris breathed. “I want to make you feel good.”

“I want to make you feel good, too” Zach said, and he slid out and thrust back in, and Chris arched up with a yell of surprised pleasure.

After that, Zach couldn’t stop, and Chris didn’t want him to, and they fucked until sweat slid down their temples and their jaws ached from kissing and Zach’s fingers had pressed marks into Chris’s skin. Zach didn’t stop, didn’t slow down until every last drop had been wrung from him, and the tears in his eyes were only because Chris twisted his fingers hard in Zach’s hair as he came.

*

Chris woke up with a start. His cheek was damp where he’d been drooling into the pillow and he squinted against the last rays of the setting sun that slanted directly across the bed. He was surprised to see Zach awake, his eyes open as he lay sprawled on his back, staring up at nothing. Chris propped himself on an elbow and Zach turned his head to meet his eye. “I want to spread Noah’s ashes on a mountain. Somewhere with trees and a nice view,” he said matter-of-factly. “And squirrels.”

Chris nodded his approval. “He’d like that.”

“Will you come with me?”

“Of course.”

Zach sat up and leaned down over the side of the bed to pull on a pair of shoes. Chris stretched his limbs and sat up slowly. “Where are you going?”

“I was thinking maybe that place Joe and I went hiking last summer. It’s a few hours out of the city but it’s not a bad drive and there won’t be any traffic. We’ll just need to grab some flashlights and water, we can stop for food along the way.”

“Wait, you want to go now?” Chris asked in disbelief.

“Yeah, that’s what I meant. I don’t want him to have to wait, in that little box, god-“ He looked up, and Chris could see the sudden trepidation in his eyes. “Is that okay? Will you still come?”

“Of course,” Chris nodded. “Of course I will.”

They got dressed and headed down the hall. They were rounding the corner toward the kitchen when Zach stopped short. “Harold, NO!”

Harold paused, standing stock still in the middle of the counter with his paw poised directly above a small cardboard box - Noah, Chris realized. Harold held Zach’s stare for a long moment before he looked away, bored, and hopped gracefully to the floor as though he had no idea what Zach was talking about.

“Fuck,” Zach breathed, running a hand through his hair as he walked over to the counter. “That could have been bad.”

“I think it’s sweet. It’s like he knew Noah was in there, and he was just saying hi!”

“Nooo, I’m pretty sure he was trying to eat him,” Zach said.

“Oh come on. He knows better. Noah would haunt his ass.”

“Noah’s not really the haunting type. Noah would probably roll over and say ‘Please, if you must eat me, could you at least use the good silver’.”

Chris burst into laughter. “Are you serious? Did Noah really have a British accent?”

“Oh totally,” Zach said, as though it were obvious. “He was a gentleman through and through.”

Zach’s eyes lingered on the box and Chris stepped closer and set a hand on his waist. Zach turned toward him automatically, taking comfort in his arms. Chris spotted Harold staring at them from the doorway and felt himself shrink a little in the face of such scrutiny.

“Harold seems pissed,” he observed.

“Mmm, yeah. Harold kind of hates me right now.”

“Why?”

“I’ve been giving him a lot of hugs.”

“Ah.”

“He doesn’t like hugs.”

“Yeah. I could kinda sense that.”

Zach pressed his face into Chris’s neck. “I miss Noah.”

Chris squeezed him tightly. “I know. Zach?”

“Yeah?”

“I like hugs.”

He could feel Zach’s smile, then soft lips moving against his skin as Zach murmured, “How do you feel about bandanas?”

*

They parked the car in a pull-off at the head of the trail and grabbed their backpacks from the trunk. Zach flicked on his flashlight and set off with a purpose, and Chris followed closely as they started up the trail. They hiked in silence for a while, side by side. At one point, Chris glanced around as though he were expecting the paparazzi to be lurking in the bushes halfway up a mountain at midnight. Then he laughed at himself and reached for Zach’s hand. No sooner had their fingers meshed together than Zach stopped abruptly, pulling Chris into a tight embrace right in the middle of the trail. Chris was caught off guard, but he slowly circled his arms around Zach’s waist in return.

“I didn’t want Noah to die,” Zach was saying, whispering roughly in his ear.

“I know that,” Chris said forcefully, not sure what Zach was trying to say.

“But…what if we had never…”

Chris cut him off with a kiss, a hard press of his lips followed by a series of softer pecks, close-mouthed and achingly tender. He tipped their foreheads together and ran a fingertip down Zach’s cheek. “We would have. We were always going to, it was always going to come to this, you know that. It may have taken a little longer, sure, but we would have gotten here…eventually.”

Zach breathed in a ragged breath, and said, “Maybe Noah got tired of waiting for us to figure it out.”

“Maybe. Scheming bastard,” Chris whispered with a smile. “He’s probably looking down at us right now, rubbing his paws together in glee.”

*

“Do you believe in that stuff?” Zach asked as they continued up the mountain, hand-in-hand. “In heaven?”

Chris thought about it for a minute. “I believe in it for dogs.”

Zach nodded, as if that made all the sense in the world. “What do you think it’s like?”

Chris tipped his head, considering. “Like the biggest park in the world. With no roads. And no trees so the squirrels can’t get away.”

“If there aren’t any trees, there wouldn’t be any squirrels.”

Chris looked at him. “Are you really going to argue with my idea of dog heaven.”

“Probably.”

Chris rolled his eyes. “Just trust me, there are no trees, but there are definitely squirrels. Ground squirrels.”

“Ground squirrels?”

“It’s basically squirrel hell, okay?”

Zach let out a loud laugh. Chris grinned at the path in front of them and continued. “And there are, like, table scraps lying all over the place. And bacon! Lots of bacon.”

“Wait, is this dog heaven or yours?”

Chris bumped their shoulders together. “Shush.”

“What else?”

Chris felt a quiet thrill at Zach’s interest, at the fact that he was managing to distract him, if only for a little while, from what they were here to do. “No one ever yells at them. The words ‘bad dog’ are banned from dog heaven. They can chew on whatever they want. And they can eat their own poop!”

“What?! Ew!”

“Why not? Dogs do that! My parents’ dog tries to eat her own poop all the time!”

“Um, no. Noah would never do that.”

“Oh right,” Chris said, rolling his eyes. “Noah was a gentleman.”

“And don’t you forget it.”

They walked in silence for a while, the only sound the soft crunch of their footsteps on the path, which was getting steeper. Finally, the beam of Zach’s flashlight illuminated a sign that pointed toward a smaller path and read “Lookout Point, 500 meters.”

Zach squeezed Chris’s hand as they turned onto the side trail. “I’m glad you said what you said down there, about this happening. Us. About it being…”

“Inevitable?”

“Yeah. For a little while there I thought maybe it was just a grief thing?”

“A grief thing, what the fuck’s a grief thing?”

“You know, like, I was so sad and pathetic and just, like, clinging to you, and you just gave in to make me feel better.” He glanced at Chris out of the corner of his eye. “Which it did, by the way. In case you were wondering.”

“Zach, that’s terrible! What kind of person do you take me for?”

Zach shrugged. “I guess I just didn’t want to get my hopes up.”

“Uh huh. And what were you planning to do if it was just a ‘grief thing’?”

“I was planning to be sad. A lot.”

Chris smiled and was about to come up with a cocky retort, but the words stuck in his throat as they came to the end of the trail. “Oh, Zach.”

The mountain dropped off in front of them, offering up a gorgeous view of the valley below. The moon was still visible in the gray, pre-dawn sky, and they stood still for a moment, awestruck. Chris felt a swooping sensation in his belly, like he could feel the movement of the earth beneath their feet, and he held tightly to Zach’s hand.

“This is the place,” Chris breathed.

Zach nodded. “This is the place.” He took a deep breath and set his back pack down, knelt on the ground to reach inside and pull out the cardboard box. Noah.

Chris knelt down beside him. “You should say something.”

Zach stared at the box in his hands, blinking rapidly. Slowly, he set the box on the ground in front of him.

“Noah,” he started. “You were-“ Zach’s breath hitched and he looked away, scrubbing at his eyes. He took a shaky breath and looked back at the box. “You were, hands down, the best dog anyone could ever hope to have. Every day I’m thankful that we found each other. And that I didn’t get that stupid…Cockapoodle or whatever…that the lady at the shelter was trying to get me to choose.”

Chris bit his lip to stifle a giggle. Zach took a deep breath and looked up toward the sky. “I’m sorry I said the Cockapoodle was stupid. I’m sure it was a very nice dog.”

Chris lost it completely, turning away to double over with laughter. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he wheezed, waving Zach away when he looked over. “Just…you…I’m sorry, I’ll stop, I’ll stop.” He schooled his face into a more serious expression, which lasted all of two seconds before he was grinning again, his shoulders shaking with repressed laughter.

Zach looked at the box, then back up at Chris. “Chris, I’m talking to a fucking box. I don’t know what to say.”

“No, it’s good, what you’re saying, Zach. Go ahead, if there’s anything else…”

Zach bit his lip and turned back to the box with resolve. “I love you, Noah, and I hope you had a good life with me. I hope you knew that I loved you even when I wasn’t there. And I hope you like that I brought you here to this mountain. It’s a really nice view, and I saw, like, five squirrels on the way up here, so. Yeah. I think you’ll like it.”

He picked up the box and started to open the lid, then he turned toward Chris with a start. “Um. Did you want to say something?”

Chris glanced between the box and Zach. He nodded and scooted closer, looking at the box in Zach’s hands.

“Noah,” Chris said, “thank you for being Zach’s best friend. No man or dog can ever take your place.” He slid his arms around Zach’s shoulders and finished in a whisper. “But I’ll try my best to take care of him for you. I promise.”

Zach turned his head slowly toward Chris, and leaned in to kiss him gently on the lips. “Thank you,” Zach said, meeting Chris’s eyes. Chris nodded, and they stood up together.

Zach opened the box and took a few steps forward, then he flung out his arm in one smooth motion, and the air was full of ashes, some drifting slowly downwards while others were carried toward the rising sun on a light gust of wind.

“Rest in peace, Noah.”

iv. Epilogue: Love Survives

I am not your dog, but if every time you saw me, you gave me a backrub, I would run to greet you, too.

**

“What about a bulldog?” Zach called from the kitchen table. “Oh my god, this one is so smunchy!”

“Zach, get off of that website, you know you have to wait at least two more months,” Chris told him from the couch, his tone reflecting the fact that they’d had this same discussion several times already.

“Why?”

“I don’t know, but that’s what the bitchy British dog lady on TV said, and she carries a riding crop, so frankly, I’m inclined to listen to her.”

Zach stood up from the table and grabbed his laptop. “But seriously, Chris, you have to see this picture. This dog is adora- oooof!”

Chris looked over just in time to see Zach go sprawling face first onto the floor, his laptop skidding a few feet in front of him.

“Zach?” Chris scrambled off the couch and to his side. “Are you okay?”

“Ugh. Yeah. What the hell.” Zach sat up, pulling something out from under him. He held it up. “Nutsy tripped me. Although, I could have sworn I put this up on the shelf yesterday.”

Chris grinned. “I don’t think Noah likes the bulldog.”

Zach raised an eyebrow. “I don’t think Noah likes my laptop.”

Chris picked up the laptop and checked the screen. “It’s fine. Still works. Oh my god, this bulldog is adorable! It’s so smunchy!”

“See? I told you.”

They both looked nervously up toward the ceiling. “I feel like we should defer to Noah’s judgment on this,” Chris said out of the side of his mouth.

Zach nodded his reluctant agreement.

“I think we might even need to make it up to him.”

“How do we do – oh,” Zach said, as Chris leaned forward to kiss him, pushing at his shoulder until they were tangled together on the floor.

“Noah likes it when we do this?” Zach panted.

“Yep.”

“Well, that makes three of us,” he said, rolling Chris over and sliding a hand up under his shirt.

“On second thought,” Zach said, propping himself up on an elbow a few minutes later, “I think I can spare a few more months for the mourning period.”

“Yeah, I thought you might,” Chris said, and he pulled Zach back down to help him pass the time.