Space: No Herpes - A Star Trek XI Fanfic
Sep. 26th, 2009 10:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
therumjournalsTitle: Space: No Herpes
Fandom: Star Trek XI
Pairings: Kirk/Everyone, Chekov/Sulu
Word Count: 6,161
Rating: PG-13
Description: Bones discovers that Jim has brought something back from an...interesting...away mission.
Warnings: slut!Kirk, drinking, overuse of hyposprays, silliness
The mission to Luxor was what Jim might have called at the Academy, a “shitshow”, yet it seemed as though they all managed to come out of the experience relatively unscathed. Sure, there was the initial awkwardness when, three days after beaming down to the planet, the away team found themselves back in the transporter room in various states of undress and intoxication, unable to look each other in the eye. But after mending a few torn uniforms and being thoroughly tested for all known STDs, the crew went back to their duties and life slowly returned to the Enterprise’s version of normal. Bones remembered little about the planet-side bender, and what he did recall was rather traumatizing, so, vowing to forgo any and all future “cultural diplomacy” missions that Jim might dream up, he tried to forget as much as possible.
What didn’t really help with the whole forgetting plan was when Jim showed up in his office, holding a PADD and asking questions.
“Look Jim, I’m trying to forget every last thing about that deviant planet of vice and debauchery, so I’d really appreciate it if we could talk about something else.”
“Bones, come on, this is important. I need to send some kind of report back to Starfleet. Now, obviously, I can’t tell them everything that happened down there –“
“Okay, how about this – we beamed down to the planet…we beamed back up. I think that’s about the extent that’s appropriate for Starfleet reporting.”
“Well, there’s got to be something that we can tell them. Something…cultural. Let’s see. What about that horrible electronic music that they played?” He read aloud as he typed into the PADD, “ ‘The Luxorians have developed a unique range of electronically produced sounds that, when combined, create complex resonance patterns that they find pleasing to the ear.’ There, that sounds official!”
“Yeah, and it would be accurate too, if the Luxorians even had ears, instead of…well…you know.”
Jim frowned at the PADD, biting his lip. “Should we say anything about the…no…that’s probably not a good idea. Umm, okay, maybe we could say something about the food?”
“Yeah, okay, how ‘bout this – even their food is alcoholic.”
Jim started typing again, “The Luxorian cuisine consists of a variety of dishes, all of which share the characteristic of containing strong intoxicants, which, when consumed, cause…wait. No. I can’t write that.”
Bones rolled his eyes. “Look Jim, just make something up, say there are terrifying aliens, warring factions, and an inhospitable atmosphere, that there is absolutely nothing with any cultural, economic, or material value, and that it would be a waste of time and resources for Starfleet to send anyone there, ever, ever again.”
“Oh come on, Bones, it wasn’t THAT bad!”
“Jim. Get out of my office.”
* * *
It had been four days since they left Luxor. Bones took a momentary break from inventory to reflect. Four blessed, calm days without being subject to vomiting, tentacles, blacklights, black eyes, animal sacrifices, or discovering his crewmates engaged in various activities that he could never, never unsee. Sure, he missed the orgasms, but all in all he thought the tradeoff just about worth it. He was reveling in the silence of sickbay when he was startled by the sound of a small cough behind him. He spun around to see Gaila standing at the doorway, holding her hand over her mouth and looking bashful.
“Gaila, sorry, I didn’t see you there. Come in, what can I do for you?”
He led her to a bed and she took a seat, still holding her hand in front of her mouth. “Is something wrong?”
She nodded.
“What is it?” He couldn’t make out her muffled answer.
“Gaila, come on, I’m a doctor, you can take your hand off your mouth.”
She closed her eyes and slowly removed her hand.
“Jesus Christ, what the hell is that?” Bones exclaimed.
Gaila’s eyes widened, she squeaked and clamped her hand back over her mouth.
“Look, I’m sorry about that. It’s just that this is definitely something I’ve never seen before…”
He pulled her hand down gently and scanned her face and mouth with his tricorder. “No fever,” he said. “Do you have any other symptoms?” he asked. “Headaches, nausea, blurry vision, bleeding-”
“Bleeding?!”
“I’m just trying to be thorough. Is this rash anywhere else on your body?”
She shook her head.
“Uh-huh. Okay. Well, this is why we have references,” he said to himself, closing the tricorder.
Gaila followed him with her eyes as he moved around the room collecting various medications and reference PADDs and mumbling to himself. “I thought I knew all of the Orion venereal diseases...”
“What?!” yelped Gaila, behind her hand.
“I’m not saying that’s definitely it but the coloring does suggest…but then there are the dots…and the jagged lines…” He scrolled frantically through all known medical journals, but he couldn’t find anything matching the symptoms.
“Alright, well, I’m going to keep researching this, but in the meantime…” He grabbed a hypospray out of a drawer and jabbed her in the neck.
“Ow!”
“Sorry. But that should minimize the redness and get rid of any itching.”
He crossed his arms and looked at her for a few seconds.
“If I didn’t know better, I’d say this is something we picked up from that damnable planet Luxor. But you weren’t even on the away team. So…Gaila, have you, say, kissed anyone who was on the away team?”
“What kind of a girl do you take me for?”
“Gaila, come on. This is important.”
“I don’t kiss and tell,” she said, pouting.
“That’s not what I’ve heard,” Bones muttered.
“Hey!”
“Let me try this again,” he said, picking up a second hypospray and stabbing her in the other side of the neck.
“Ow!”
“Gaila, have you kissed anyone who was on the away team?”
“Jim Kirk,” she said promptly, then her eyes widened in surprise and confusion.
“Knew that would come in handy,” said Bones, holding up the empty hypospray. “Vaccine for the Melconian plague. Has a convenient side effect of acting as a truth serum. Let’s just say the Melconians know everything about each other.”
Gaila glowered at him.
“Hey look, the redness is fading. You’re welcome. Now, get out of here, I have to go have words with our captain.”
* * *
Bones met Jim coming off the bridge, took him by the arm, and dragged him into sickbay.
“Hey, Bones! Ow! What are you doing? What do you want?”
“Jim, I need to examine you.”
“Jeez Bones, you can at least buy me dinner first.”
“Shut up and open your mouth.”
“Seriously?! Is that how you approach the ladies? ‘Cause if it is, I can see why you haven’t been getting any lately-urnf!” Bones had grabbed him by the jaw and was sticking a flashlight in his mouth. After poking it around for a while, he withdrew it and crossed his arms, looking concerned. Jim scowled at him and rubbed his jaw.
“Jim, when did you kiss Gaila?”
“What?! I didn’t…she said she doesn’t kiss and tell!”
“Let’s just say she didn’t have a choice in the matter. Now, when was it?”
“When we got back from Luxor.”
“That day?”
“That day? Try 5 minutes after we got back to the ship. She practically jumped me in the hallway when we came out of the transporter room.”
“Did you do anything else besides kiss?”
“Bones!”
“Jim, it’s important. I’m asking as your doctor. As your friend, I really, really don’t want to know the answer.”
“Bones, I said we were in the hallway...what kind of sex maniac do you think I am? Don’t answer that.”
“So you didn’t take her back to your room or anything?”
“What? No! I don’t even like her!”
“Well, you were kissing. I thought maybe you two had a…thing.”
“No, we don’t have a thing. We might have once had a thing, but we definitely don’t have a thing. She threw herself at me. Not that I can blame her. I do look particularly sexy when I’m disheveled.”
Bones rolled his eyes, and looked around for something to hypospray Jim with just for the hell of it, but Jim was a step ahead of him and was practically running out the door.
Bones leaned into the hall and called after him. “Look Jim, just let me know if you get any strange rashes, okay?” An ensign gave the captain a dubious look and took a few steps to the side as they passed in the hall. Jim turned and gave Bones the finger behind the young officer’s back. “And don’t kiss anyone else!” Bones hollered.
* * *
Bones immersed himself in research for the next few days, trying to track down a diagnosis for Gaila’s rather disturbing looking rash. He even braced himself and executed a search for Luxorian diseases, but found absolutely no information whatsoever. Either no one in the galaxy had ever set foot on the planet, or they were all abiding by the same unwritten rule that he himself so strongly believed in – what happens on Luxor, stays on Luxor.
Thankfully, the rash on Gaila’s mouth had for the most part disappeared, and no one else had come to him with fucked up polka-dotted orifices.
It was rare that Bones found himself in the gym, but since Luxor he had felt somewhat compelled to participate in the healthiest activities that he could come up with. He realized a few days after their return, for instance, that he hadn’t been indulging in his nightly glass of whiskey, and that he had enjoyed whole-wheat toast and half a grapefruit for several meals in a row. And now he had a towel around his neck and was setting a good pace on the treadmill, as if working up a sweat would somehow rid him of the toxins that he had a feeling were still running through his blood. As he ran, he watched Lieutenant Sulu working on his fencing moves in a practice area across the room. Sulu’s shirt was off, and Bones couldn’t help but admire his physique, the toned muscles rippling under his skin, the straight line of his arms as he held various stances. Bones idly mused what a shame it was that the smooth skin of his shoulder and neck were marred by some sort of scar or – wait. Bones squinted his eyes and leaned forward trying to get a better look, and in doing so tripped and went flying off the back of the treadmill.
“Ow,” he muttered, looking up at the ceiling and desperately hoping that no one had seen that. Sulu’s face appeared above him.
“That didn’t look pretty, Doctor. Need a hand?”
Cursing to himself, Bones gave Sulu a hand and let himself be pulled upright. As soon as he was standing he grabbed Sulu’s arm and spun him around to take a look at his shoulder.
“Um, Doctor?”
“Sulu. How long have you had this rash?” Bones demanded.
“I just noticed it this morning. I think it’s gotten worse though. I was actually planning to come by sickbay later and ask you about it.”
Bones crossed his arms and furrowed his brow. “Look, Sulu. I might know what this is, but..” he glanced around the gym quickly to make sure that there no one within hearing range. “I have to ask you some sensitive questions.”
Sulu raised an eyebrow.
“Have you kissed anyone recently?”
Sulu flushed and avoided his eyes. “No, not really, Doctor.”
“Not really? What the hell does that mean?”
“I mean…I haven’t actually kissed someone…”
“…But someone’s kissed you,” finished Bones.
Sulu’s skin went another shade darker and he stared intently at the ground. “Um…yeah.”
“Was it Gaila?”
Sulu looked confused. “Gaila? No! Why would Gaila be kissing me?”
“Because, well, Gaila kisses everyone.”
Sulu conceded that with a nod. “True. But, no, it wasn’t Gaila.”
“Care to tell me who it was?”
“I’d really prefer not to.”
“I know it was someone from the away team, Sulu. It’s only a matter of time before I figure out who it was.”
Sulu was silent. Bones considered taking him back to sickbay and breaking out that vaccine again, but something occurred to him.
“My God, man, please tell me it wasn’t the captain!”
Sulu looked as though he wanted to melt into the floor.
Bones took a deep breath. “Okay, just…just tell me when this happened.”
“Four days ago. Nights ago, I should say,” Sulu answered, crossing his arms and still staring at the floor.
Four nights ago. That would make it the night before Gaila had shown up in his office. Well, good, then there was still the possibility that Jim had listened to him about not kissing anyone else. That also meant that both people with the rash had noticed it four days after kissing – or being kissed by – Captain Kirk. Interesting.
As they walked towards sickbay, Bones tried to think medical thoughts and to not wonder exactly how Jim had ended up kissing Sulu, but without much success. He distracted himself by jabbing a hypospray into Sulu, who, to his credit, didn’t even whimper.
“Alright, Sulu. That should clear it up in a few days, as far as I know. Look, I don’t want to tell you what to do with your sex life, but you might consider not letting our good captain put his mouth on you until we figure out what’s going on with this thing.” By the time Bones finished offering that little bit of advice, they were both a shade of red and looking around the room at anything but each other.
Sulu nodded curtly, hopped off the table, and got out of there as quickly as possible, leaving Bones in the middle of sickbay shaking his head.
* * *
Jim was avoiding him. Bones tried a couple times to get him on the comm, but by the time he’d said “Dammit, Captain, no it can’t wait,” he had gotten cut off. That evening, Bones tried a different technique, paging the captain in his quarters and reading aloud a detailed description of Cardassian genital warts, but that approach failed miserably when Bones got to the part about the oozing and almost lost his dinner. The next morning, Bones found Uhura and asked her to deliver a package to Jim, which contained a hypospray and a note that said “Please stab yourself.” Perhaps, Bones considered later, that wasn’t really the best choice of words, as he found the package outside sickbay that afternoon with the full hypospray and the note, with the word “stab” crossed out and a rather harsh word written in above it. Bones could picture Jim smiling cheerfully as he made that particular edit. He frowned. “It’s all fun and games until everyone on this ship is covered in red itchy rashes,” he said to no one in particular. He’d been trying to avoid a full on confrontation, but he finally decided there was no way around it and headed to the bridge.
He strode off the turbolift and onto the bridge toward the captain’s chair. “Now look Captain, it is of the utmost medical importance that you listen to – Jesus Christ, Jim, are you fucking kidding me?” Jim looked up at him innocently, but Bones didn’t notice because he was too busy staring at Spock, or more specifically, at Spock’s right ear, which was entirely pink and covered with a series of green dots. Jim followed his gaze, and his mouth dropped open a little when he saw what Bones was looking at. By this time, everyone had turned to stare at Spock, who flushed a little, said “Please excuse me,” and headed for the lift. Glaring at Jim, Bones said “Spock, I’d better see you in five minutes when I get down there.”
Jim had the audacity to have a slight grin on his face. Sulu looked pissed. Chekov looked slightly in shock, and Uhura just looked confused.
“Captain, may I respectfully ask that you get your ass down to the sickbay right now.”
Jim rolled his eyes but got up and obediently followed Bones to the turbolift. As they stepped through the door, Bones turned around and said, “Nobody kiss him for at least a week. I’m serious. Nobody!”
“You’re really killing my reputation here, Bones,” Jim said, after the door closed.
“From what I can see, Jim, your reputation doesn’t seem to have suffered enough damage yet.”
“Bones, I don’t know what you’re going to do about this…situation…” He lifted his hand to hide another smile. “I mean, you already looked in my mouth. There’s nothing there! And before you ask, there are no rashes anywhere else on my body either.”
“I don’t know, Jim, but at least let me take some blood and saliva samples and see what I can find.”
Jim looked up at him and actually batted his eyes. “Would you like samples of any other fluids, Doctor?”
“Jim, you are a pervert and a creep. I’m surprised you didn’t set up a nice vacation home on Luxor.”
“Bones, don’t even joke about that, that’s not funny. So what do you think this is, anyway? Herpes?”
“I think you know that this is NOT herpes. Anyway, we have a cure for herpes now.”
“Space herpes? I think I might have heard you warning me about that one before.”
“Yes, well, I’ll say anything if I think it’ll make you keep it in your pants.”
“I knew it! I knew I should never listen to you!”
“That statement implies that you do sometimes listen to me, which we both know is not the case.”
Spock was waiting for them in sickbay. Jim winked at him and licked his lips.
“Oh, please spare me!” Bones snapped.
“Doctor, I hardly think it necessary for-“ Bones cut him off with a hypospray to the neck. Then everything went dark.
When Bones came to a few minutes later, he was on the ground looking up at the ceiling and Jim was kicking him lightly. Spock was nowhere to be seen. Bones groaned and sat up. “Did that pointy-eared bastard do an alien neck pinch thing on me? Does he realize that those can be extremely detrimental to the human nervous system?”
“Did you realize that jabbing hyposprays into people’s necks can be very detrimental for your social life?” said Jim, holding his hands tightly to either side of his neck in defense.
Bones pulled himself upright. “Take a seat for a minute, will ya, and let me get my samples, and then you can go back to doing captainy things – except for kissing, of course.”
Jim lay down on his back with his hands behind his head. “Go ahead Bones, poke and prod all you want. My body is your body.”
“You do realize that Gaila, Sulu, and Spock have all exhibited the same symptoms after coming into contact with your mouth, right?” Bones asked as he moved around Jim, scanning and swiping. “Speaking of which, the symptoms take approximately four days to appear, which means that you must have kissed Spock after I told you not to.”
“I didn’t kiss him,” Jim said in exasperation. “You didn’t say anything about licking!”
Bones leaned over him, giving Jim his most disbelieving look. “Jim…the tongue…the mouth…argh, never mind. Listen, from now on, nothing with the mouth, and, if you can help yourself, nothing with anything else either, just until we figure out what this thing is and how it works.”
“You spoil all of my fun, Bones.”
“I may spoil your fun, but everyone on this ship who doesn’t have a rash will be thanking me. We’re down to about ten people, I think.”
“Ha ha, very funny. Are you done yet?”
“I’m done. Get out of here. Remember…”
“I know, I know, nothing with the mouth.”
Jim stopped before the door and turned toward Bones, rubbing the back of his neck and blushing slightly. “Hey Bones, you, uh…you might be getting a visit from Chekov sometime tomorrow.”
Bones mouth was still hanging open when the door swished shut behind him.
* * *
Chekov showed up right on schedule the next afternoon, looking sheepish and scratching at his chest. Bones didn’t even get up from his desk, just motioned Chekov over. He reached lazily into a desk drawer and pulled out a hypospray. Chekov leaned down obediently and only made a small squeak as Bones gave him the shot.
“Doctor, the keptin asked me to inwite you to a small party that he’s throwing tonight in his quarters.”
“A party in Jim’s quarters? I think I’ll pass.”
“He told me you might say that. He also told me to tell you that he feels it is medically necessary for you to be there as his CMO to ensure that no one else ends up with a rash.”
“He said that? Manipulative bastard. Okay, okay, tell him I’ll be there.”
Chekov made no move to leave the office. Bones looked at him questioningly.
“Um, Doctor?”
“Yes?”
“Do you think, maybe, you could not be mentioning my…condition….to Lieutenant Sulu?”
“Lieutenant Sulu, eh?” Chekov blushed. “There’s a thing called doctor-patient confidentiality, kid. I generally leave the gossip-spreading to Scotty, so just, you know, don’t tell him.”
“Sank you, doctor.”
“No problem, kid. You stick with Sulu, you’ll be fine. It’s only when you start fooling around with Jim Kirk that you get yourself into trouble.”
Chekov nodded nervously and left the office.
* * *
Someone pushed a glass of synthehol into McCoy’s hand as he walked into the captain’s quarters that evening.
“Are you kidding me? Might as well be drinking cranberry juice.” Bones raised the bottle of whiskey that he’d brought with him. “Now, where are the real drinkers?”
It wasn’t that he liked sharing his personal whiskey stash, but he’d been the recipient of enough contraband alcohol that once in a while he felt like he should share. By the time he’d opened the bottle, Kirk, Scotty, Chekov, and Uhura were all holding their glasses out and looking somewhat desperate. He filled them up one by one and sent them off with a reminder that they weren’t in the Academy anymore and that therefore they should be sipping their whiskey in the proper Southern manner instead of doing shots. Scotty and Chekov seemed to listen, but Uhura and Kirk promptly downed their drinks in one swig. Bones shook his head and poured himself a glass.
Kirk wandered off to mingle, and Bones offered to refill Uhura’s glass. “Not to sound improper,” he began, “but have you experienced any strange rashes recently?”
“Doctor, please, give me a little credit. I’m not about to catch space herpes from Jim Kirk.”
“Space herpes?”
“Well, that’s what Gaila called it. By the way, she thinks you’re hot. She was still pretty hopped up on some kind of truth serum you gave her when I saw her that day.”
Bones glanced across the room to see Gaila smiling at him and giving him a little wave. He looked away quickly.
“Where’s Spock?” he asked.
“Probably standing outside the door right now, trying to convince himself that there’s a logical reason to come to this party. He’ll probably come up with something about observing social interactions in about a minute.”
As if on cue, the door opened and Spock walked in. He also refused the glass of synthehol that someone pushed at him, and shook his head at the whiskey that Bones held out warily, taking care to stay out of nerve-pinch range.
Bones left Uhura and Spock alone and wandered across the room to refill Chekov’s glass. Scotty came over, smacked Chekov on the shoulder, and said “So, you and Sulu, eh?” Chekov nearly choked on a sip of whiskey, then he gave Bones a look that seemed a cross between a hurt puppy and a very angry puppy. Bones put his hands up.
“I swear, I haven’t said a word! What did I tell you about Scotty?”
“What did you tell him about Scotty?" asked Scotty. "I don’t go looking for this stuff! Tell me, is it my fault when Gaila comes into engineering all hopped up on some truth serum and starts telling me all of the crew’s deepest, darkest secrets? No, it's not my fault!”
Bones was trying to feel bad about the extended ramifications about using that particular hypospray on Gaila, but he couldn’t help but be rather amused.
Kirk wandered up to them, slapping Bones on the shoulder.
“Bones! How’s it going? How’s the search for the magical cure to all of our problems?”
“Very successful,” said Bones, handing Jim the bottle of whiskey.
“Ah yes. Although, not exactly what I was referring to,” he said out of the side of his mouth.
“If you’re trying to be subtle, Captain, don’t bother,” interject Scotty. “I know all about you and your space herpes. To tell you the truth, I’m starting to feel a bit left out.” He was actually pouting.
“It’s not herpes,” Jim and Bones said at the same time.
“Whatever. I’m only sayin’, sometimes I feel like the only one on this ship that you haven’t licked.”
Jim gave him a lascivious look and started towards him, but Bones held him back. “Okay, that’s enough.”
“Seriously though Bones,” Jim started, “When are you going to develop the cure?”
“Dammit Jim, I’m a doctor not a pharmacologist!” Jim gave him a skeptical look. “Yeah, that one doesn’t really work, does it?” Bones asked.
Jim shook his head. “Look, you’ve got all my fluids,” he said, emphasizing the last word and looking around to see if anyone had noticed. “Just analyze them and do your doctor thing and make a cure and jab me with it. And that’s always the end goal for you anyway, isn’t it?”
“I’ll see what I can do,” Bones muttered.
* * *
An hour later the party was in full swing and Bones was looking mournfully at an empty bottle of whiskey. He really, really wished he had some more, because this was the part of the party where the lights had been dimmed, the dance music was playing, and Jim was wandering around grinding up against anything that moved. Bones was watching Jim from across the room, so he was the first to notice when Jim slipped over to a side cabinet and pulled out a bottle that appeared to be glowing. Soon there were glasses of the stuff being passed around and murmurs were spreading through the room, amidst which Bones could have sworn he heard the word “Luxor” more than once. The glass pressed into his hand was warm, the drink fluorescent green and pulsating slightly. Jim stood up on a chair and made a toast and before he had really thought through the consequences, Bones had downed his drink in one hot gulp.
* * *
When Bones woke up, his first thought was that he hadn’t remembered his ceiling being carpeted. Gradually, he realized that he was actually looking at the floor, and that the entire top half of his body was hanging upside down over the side of the bed. He pulled himself up slowly and looked around. It was his bed, first of all, which was a good sign. There was no one else in it, which was an even better one. His pants were still on, and he didn’t see any blood. There was something that felt like pudding in his hair – he desperately hoped it was pudding – but if that was the worst thing that had happened last night, he felt justified in breathing a sigh of relief. It wasn’t until he was in the shower, under the pounding, blissfully warm water, that the flashbacks began. He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the shower wall. “Oh God,” he moaned. Jim had somehow smuggled the Luxorian liquor back to the Enterprise, ostensibly as a gift for Scotty. In one of his worst episodes of bad judgement (which was saying something, since this was Jim Kirk they were talking about), the captain had decided to break out the bottle at a party of his most esteemed officers and crewmen. After the initial shot, Bones had only vague recollections. Chekov and Sulu madly making out in a corner. Scotty reprogramming the replicator to make everything into a pudding (well, that explained that, Bones thought). He vaguely remembered duct taping Jim’s mouth shut at some point, and felt rather proud of that one. Somehow, someone had convinced Spock to take a drink, or maybe they had just thrown the stuff on him – Bones was pretty sure the shit could be absorbed through the skin. Regardless, he distinctly recalled Spock trying on one of Uhura’s mini-skirts and claiming that he was a “pretty pretty princess.” Bones winced. Could that have actually happened? And which would be more disturbing, if it had actually happened, or if Bones had dreamt it? He shook his head to rid himself of that image. Perhaps his most disturbing recollection was the moment they had all stood in a circle with their arms around each other, swaying a little and singing a Luxorian praise song that praised, among other things, drinking games that took place on horseback, body modifications involving living insects, and, of course, the planet of Luxor itself. Hmm. Jim’s mouth must have been un-duct-taped by that time, because he could clearly remember him singing, and in fact if he remembered correctly, it was the captain who had suggested doing the song again as a round. “Oh God,” Bones said again, and cursed Luxor with all of the curses that he hadn’t gotten to the last time he’d been cursing Luxor.
Bones made his way to sickbay, where he promptly jabbed himself in the arm with a hypospray of a hangover cure that he had developed. It was known around the Enterprise as a miracle cure, so he wasn’t surprised when Uhura showed up asking for one before her bridge shift. She informed him that since the captain refused to come near a hypospray, he was riding out his hangover slumped in the captain’s chair with the bridge lights at fifty percent. Scotty, Bones assumed, would be sleeping his off under a console in engineering as usual. He didn’t even want to know how Chekov and Sulu were dealing with theirs.
* * *
Bones was working in the med lab when Jim dropped by after his shift. “Not now, Jim, I’m actually working on this thing for you.” He poured one vial of liquid into another.
“You play a good mad scientist, Bones. Wanna get dinner?”
“Not really, I think I may be onto something here.”
“Fine,” Jim pouted. “Hey, how ‘bout that party last night?”
“I have no idea what you were thinking bringing that shit on board the Enterprise, much less actually giving it to people.”
“So, you had a good time then?”
“I may have. I have no idea, since I can’t remember a damn thing.”
“Really? You mean you don’t remember-“
“I remember singing, and Spock wearing a mini-skirt. That’s about it. Speaking of which, do you have any bleach that I can pour onto my brain?”
“So that’s all you remember?”
“Yeah, just about. Why? What do you remember? Did you lick anyone?”
“I may have.”
“Well, I guess we’ll find out in about three days then.”
“Yeah, guess so. Hey, are you sure you don’t want to get dinner?”
“Yes, I’m sure. Get out of here.” He stared intently into a microscope.
“I’ll bring you a sandwich!” Jim called as he walked out the door.
* * *
Three nights later, Bones burst excitedly into Jim’s quarters. “I have the cure!” he announced.
Jim frowned, but tilted his head to the side and pointed to his neck. “Hit me.”
“I don’t have it with me. It’s marinating.”
Jim looked at him. “Marinating? Is it a cure or a steak?”
“Look, just come by sickbay in the morning. I’ll be happy to jab you in the neck then. And you’re welcome, by the way.”
“Thank you,” Jim yelled as Bones strode down the hallway.
* * *
Bones awoke the next morning without an alarm, as he always did. He lay sprawled under the covers for a few minutes, rubbing his eyes and idly scratching at his crotch. Which for some reason really itched. His eyes shot open and he sat up abruptly. Slowly, he lifted the covers and peered between his legs. He let out a very unmanly shriek, and growled, “Jim Kirk, I am going to kill you.” His entire groin area was covered in a rash of jagged red lines and pink spots. And it really itched.
Bones threw on his clothes and stormed through the hallways to sickbay, nearly crashing into Gaila on the way. He was not at all surprised to see Jim there already, reclining on one of the biobeds with his eyes closed and his hands beneath his head. Bones calmly walked into his office and loaded a hypospray with his newly developed cure for Luxorian space herpes. He walked over to where Jim lay, and leaned over him. “Jim?”
Jim cracked an eye open in response.
“Jim, what the fuck did you do to me?”
“Well, apparently I sucked your – OW!!!!!!!!!” he yelled, as Bones shoved the hypospray into his neck with perhaps a bit more force than usual. “Dammit, Bones, that HURT!” He pushed himself upright and grabbed Bones by the arm. By the time Bones noticed that Jim was holding something in his hand, he felt a familiar jab in his neck. The look he gave Jim was one of confusion and shock.
Jim held up the empty cartridge. “Vaccine for the Melconian plague,” he said, tossing it up and catching it in the other hand. “Gaila showed me where you keep them.”
Bones eyes widened and he started backing away.
“I don’t think so, Bones,” Jim said, grabbing him firmly by the upper arms. His intense blue eyes locked onto Bones’ brown ones. “Now. How long have you had a crush on me?”
Bones’ brain provided suitable answers, such as “I have no idea what you’re talking about” and “Are you out of your goddamn mind?” but his mouth helpfully said “Three years and seven months.”
Jim grinned a bright, beautiful grin, with barely any hint of mockery in it.
“Wow,” Jim said. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.” Okay, that particular truth wasn’t so bad.
“But how did you resist me for so long?” Jim asked, and Bones had just one second to wonder how Jim could look so earnest asking that question, before his mouth opened and said, “I jerked off a lot.”
Dammit! Bones could feel himself turning bright red. He was mortified, and it didn’t help that Jim was cracking up. He had to do something. Jim had loosened his grip because he was laughing so hard, and Bones took advantage of the opportunity to pull away, grabbing a hypospray off of a tray on the counter. He lunged for Jim, but Jim had let go and was running for the door. Bones chased him, pounding after him down the hallway. Jim glanced back at Bones, tripping over Keenser in the process, and went flying, landing with a hard thud on his back. Bones fell on him, pinning his wrists against the floor above his head. He stuck the hypospray in Jim’s neck and dosed him.
Jim took a few wheezing breaths before he spoke. “You didn’t need to do that, Bones. I don’t need a truth serum tell you anything.”
“Do you want to kiss me right now?”
“Yes. Well, as soon as I catch my breath.”
“Well, too bad, ya can’t, because that cure hasn’t kicked in yet, and I sure as hell don’t want itchy tongue.”
“Point taken.”
“Do you remember what happened the other night, I mean, between you and me?”
“Vividly.”
“Dammit, it’s not fair. I get to remember Spock in a mini-skirt and you remember – well – you know.”
Jim smiled. “How long ‘til this cure kicks in?”
“I’d say twelve hours, to be on the safe side.”
“Well, then how about I refresh your memory tonight after dinner.”
“My quarters or yours?”
“Ya know, I’ve always kind of wanted to do it in sickbay.”
“Jim, I don’t mix work and pleasure, you know that.”
They were silent for a moment. Bones realized that he was still straddling his captain in the middle of the hallway, and slowly stood, offering Jim a hand and helping him up.
“Hey Bones?”
“Yeah?”
“That truth serum still working?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you get off jabbing people with hyposprays?”
“Only you.”
The End
Fandom: Star Trek XI
Pairings: Kirk/Everyone, Chekov/Sulu
Word Count: 6,161
Rating: PG-13
Description: Bones discovers that Jim has brought something back from an...interesting...away mission.
Warnings: slut!Kirk, drinking, overuse of hyposprays, silliness
The mission to Luxor was what Jim might have called at the Academy, a “shitshow”, yet it seemed as though they all managed to come out of the experience relatively unscathed. Sure, there was the initial awkwardness when, three days after beaming down to the planet, the away team found themselves back in the transporter room in various states of undress and intoxication, unable to look each other in the eye. But after mending a few torn uniforms and being thoroughly tested for all known STDs, the crew went back to their duties and life slowly returned to the Enterprise’s version of normal. Bones remembered little about the planet-side bender, and what he did recall was rather traumatizing, so, vowing to forgo any and all future “cultural diplomacy” missions that Jim might dream up, he tried to forget as much as possible.
What didn’t really help with the whole forgetting plan was when Jim showed up in his office, holding a PADD and asking questions.
“Look Jim, I’m trying to forget every last thing about that deviant planet of vice and debauchery, so I’d really appreciate it if we could talk about something else.”
“Bones, come on, this is important. I need to send some kind of report back to Starfleet. Now, obviously, I can’t tell them everything that happened down there –“
“Okay, how about this – we beamed down to the planet…we beamed back up. I think that’s about the extent that’s appropriate for Starfleet reporting.”
“Well, there’s got to be something that we can tell them. Something…cultural. Let’s see. What about that horrible electronic music that they played?” He read aloud as he typed into the PADD, “ ‘The Luxorians have developed a unique range of electronically produced sounds that, when combined, create complex resonance patterns that they find pleasing to the ear.’ There, that sounds official!”
“Yeah, and it would be accurate too, if the Luxorians even had ears, instead of…well…you know.”
Jim frowned at the PADD, biting his lip. “Should we say anything about the…no…that’s probably not a good idea. Umm, okay, maybe we could say something about the food?”
“Yeah, okay, how ‘bout this – even their food is alcoholic.”
Jim started typing again, “The Luxorian cuisine consists of a variety of dishes, all of which share the characteristic of containing strong intoxicants, which, when consumed, cause…wait. No. I can’t write that.”
Bones rolled his eyes. “Look Jim, just make something up, say there are terrifying aliens, warring factions, and an inhospitable atmosphere, that there is absolutely nothing with any cultural, economic, or material value, and that it would be a waste of time and resources for Starfleet to send anyone there, ever, ever again.”
“Oh come on, Bones, it wasn’t THAT bad!”
“Jim. Get out of my office.”
* * *
It had been four days since they left Luxor. Bones took a momentary break from inventory to reflect. Four blessed, calm days without being subject to vomiting, tentacles, blacklights, black eyes, animal sacrifices, or discovering his crewmates engaged in various activities that he could never, never unsee. Sure, he missed the orgasms, but all in all he thought the tradeoff just about worth it. He was reveling in the silence of sickbay when he was startled by the sound of a small cough behind him. He spun around to see Gaila standing at the doorway, holding her hand over her mouth and looking bashful.
“Gaila, sorry, I didn’t see you there. Come in, what can I do for you?”
He led her to a bed and she took a seat, still holding her hand in front of her mouth. “Is something wrong?”
She nodded.
“What is it?” He couldn’t make out her muffled answer.
“Gaila, come on, I’m a doctor, you can take your hand off your mouth.”
She closed her eyes and slowly removed her hand.
“Jesus Christ, what the hell is that?” Bones exclaimed.
Gaila’s eyes widened, she squeaked and clamped her hand back over her mouth.
“Look, I’m sorry about that. It’s just that this is definitely something I’ve never seen before…”
He pulled her hand down gently and scanned her face and mouth with his tricorder. “No fever,” he said. “Do you have any other symptoms?” he asked. “Headaches, nausea, blurry vision, bleeding-”
“Bleeding?!”
“I’m just trying to be thorough. Is this rash anywhere else on your body?”
She shook her head.
“Uh-huh. Okay. Well, this is why we have references,” he said to himself, closing the tricorder.
Gaila followed him with her eyes as he moved around the room collecting various medications and reference PADDs and mumbling to himself. “I thought I knew all of the Orion venereal diseases...”
“What?!” yelped Gaila, behind her hand.
“I’m not saying that’s definitely it but the coloring does suggest…but then there are the dots…and the jagged lines…” He scrolled frantically through all known medical journals, but he couldn’t find anything matching the symptoms.
“Alright, well, I’m going to keep researching this, but in the meantime…” He grabbed a hypospray out of a drawer and jabbed her in the neck.
“Ow!”
“Sorry. But that should minimize the redness and get rid of any itching.”
He crossed his arms and looked at her for a few seconds.
“If I didn’t know better, I’d say this is something we picked up from that damnable planet Luxor. But you weren’t even on the away team. So…Gaila, have you, say, kissed anyone who was on the away team?”
“What kind of a girl do you take me for?”
“Gaila, come on. This is important.”
“I don’t kiss and tell,” she said, pouting.
“That’s not what I’ve heard,” Bones muttered.
“Hey!”
“Let me try this again,” he said, picking up a second hypospray and stabbing her in the other side of the neck.
“Ow!”
“Gaila, have you kissed anyone who was on the away team?”
“Jim Kirk,” she said promptly, then her eyes widened in surprise and confusion.
“Knew that would come in handy,” said Bones, holding up the empty hypospray. “Vaccine for the Melconian plague. Has a convenient side effect of acting as a truth serum. Let’s just say the Melconians know everything about each other.”
Gaila glowered at him.
“Hey look, the redness is fading. You’re welcome. Now, get out of here, I have to go have words with our captain.”
* * *
Bones met Jim coming off the bridge, took him by the arm, and dragged him into sickbay.
“Hey, Bones! Ow! What are you doing? What do you want?”
“Jim, I need to examine you.”
“Jeez Bones, you can at least buy me dinner first.”
“Shut up and open your mouth.”
“Seriously?! Is that how you approach the ladies? ‘Cause if it is, I can see why you haven’t been getting any lately-urnf!” Bones had grabbed him by the jaw and was sticking a flashlight in his mouth. After poking it around for a while, he withdrew it and crossed his arms, looking concerned. Jim scowled at him and rubbed his jaw.
“Jim, when did you kiss Gaila?”
“What?! I didn’t…she said she doesn’t kiss and tell!”
“Let’s just say she didn’t have a choice in the matter. Now, when was it?”
“When we got back from Luxor.”
“That day?”
“That day? Try 5 minutes after we got back to the ship. She practically jumped me in the hallway when we came out of the transporter room.”
“Did you do anything else besides kiss?”
“Bones!”
“Jim, it’s important. I’m asking as your doctor. As your friend, I really, really don’t want to know the answer.”
“Bones, I said we were in the hallway...what kind of sex maniac do you think I am? Don’t answer that.”
“So you didn’t take her back to your room or anything?”
“What? No! I don’t even like her!”
“Well, you were kissing. I thought maybe you two had a…thing.”
“No, we don’t have a thing. We might have once had a thing, but we definitely don’t have a thing. She threw herself at me. Not that I can blame her. I do look particularly sexy when I’m disheveled.”
Bones rolled his eyes, and looked around for something to hypospray Jim with just for the hell of it, but Jim was a step ahead of him and was practically running out the door.
Bones leaned into the hall and called after him. “Look Jim, just let me know if you get any strange rashes, okay?” An ensign gave the captain a dubious look and took a few steps to the side as they passed in the hall. Jim turned and gave Bones the finger behind the young officer’s back. “And don’t kiss anyone else!” Bones hollered.
* * *
Bones immersed himself in research for the next few days, trying to track down a diagnosis for Gaila’s rather disturbing looking rash. He even braced himself and executed a search for Luxorian diseases, but found absolutely no information whatsoever. Either no one in the galaxy had ever set foot on the planet, or they were all abiding by the same unwritten rule that he himself so strongly believed in – what happens on Luxor, stays on Luxor.
Thankfully, the rash on Gaila’s mouth had for the most part disappeared, and no one else had come to him with fucked up polka-dotted orifices.
It was rare that Bones found himself in the gym, but since Luxor he had felt somewhat compelled to participate in the healthiest activities that he could come up with. He realized a few days after their return, for instance, that he hadn’t been indulging in his nightly glass of whiskey, and that he had enjoyed whole-wheat toast and half a grapefruit for several meals in a row. And now he had a towel around his neck and was setting a good pace on the treadmill, as if working up a sweat would somehow rid him of the toxins that he had a feeling were still running through his blood. As he ran, he watched Lieutenant Sulu working on his fencing moves in a practice area across the room. Sulu’s shirt was off, and Bones couldn’t help but admire his physique, the toned muscles rippling under his skin, the straight line of his arms as he held various stances. Bones idly mused what a shame it was that the smooth skin of his shoulder and neck were marred by some sort of scar or – wait. Bones squinted his eyes and leaned forward trying to get a better look, and in doing so tripped and went flying off the back of the treadmill.
“Ow,” he muttered, looking up at the ceiling and desperately hoping that no one had seen that. Sulu’s face appeared above him.
“That didn’t look pretty, Doctor. Need a hand?”
Cursing to himself, Bones gave Sulu a hand and let himself be pulled upright. As soon as he was standing he grabbed Sulu’s arm and spun him around to take a look at his shoulder.
“Um, Doctor?”
“Sulu. How long have you had this rash?” Bones demanded.
“I just noticed it this morning. I think it’s gotten worse though. I was actually planning to come by sickbay later and ask you about it.”
Bones crossed his arms and furrowed his brow. “Look, Sulu. I might know what this is, but..” he glanced around the gym quickly to make sure that there no one within hearing range. “I have to ask you some sensitive questions.”
Sulu raised an eyebrow.
“Have you kissed anyone recently?”
Sulu flushed and avoided his eyes. “No, not really, Doctor.”
“Not really? What the hell does that mean?”
“I mean…I haven’t actually kissed someone…”
“…But someone’s kissed you,” finished Bones.
Sulu’s skin went another shade darker and he stared intently at the ground. “Um…yeah.”
“Was it Gaila?”
Sulu looked confused. “Gaila? No! Why would Gaila be kissing me?”
“Because, well, Gaila kisses everyone.”
Sulu conceded that with a nod. “True. But, no, it wasn’t Gaila.”
“Care to tell me who it was?”
“I’d really prefer not to.”
“I know it was someone from the away team, Sulu. It’s only a matter of time before I figure out who it was.”
Sulu was silent. Bones considered taking him back to sickbay and breaking out that vaccine again, but something occurred to him.
“My God, man, please tell me it wasn’t the captain!”
Sulu looked as though he wanted to melt into the floor.
Bones took a deep breath. “Okay, just…just tell me when this happened.”
“Four days ago. Nights ago, I should say,” Sulu answered, crossing his arms and still staring at the floor.
Four nights ago. That would make it the night before Gaila had shown up in his office. Well, good, then there was still the possibility that Jim had listened to him about not kissing anyone else. That also meant that both people with the rash had noticed it four days after kissing – or being kissed by – Captain Kirk. Interesting.
As they walked towards sickbay, Bones tried to think medical thoughts and to not wonder exactly how Jim had ended up kissing Sulu, but without much success. He distracted himself by jabbing a hypospray into Sulu, who, to his credit, didn’t even whimper.
“Alright, Sulu. That should clear it up in a few days, as far as I know. Look, I don’t want to tell you what to do with your sex life, but you might consider not letting our good captain put his mouth on you until we figure out what’s going on with this thing.” By the time Bones finished offering that little bit of advice, they were both a shade of red and looking around the room at anything but each other.
Sulu nodded curtly, hopped off the table, and got out of there as quickly as possible, leaving Bones in the middle of sickbay shaking his head.
* * *
Jim was avoiding him. Bones tried a couple times to get him on the comm, but by the time he’d said “Dammit, Captain, no it can’t wait,” he had gotten cut off. That evening, Bones tried a different technique, paging the captain in his quarters and reading aloud a detailed description of Cardassian genital warts, but that approach failed miserably when Bones got to the part about the oozing and almost lost his dinner. The next morning, Bones found Uhura and asked her to deliver a package to Jim, which contained a hypospray and a note that said “Please stab yourself.” Perhaps, Bones considered later, that wasn’t really the best choice of words, as he found the package outside sickbay that afternoon with the full hypospray and the note, with the word “stab” crossed out and a rather harsh word written in above it. Bones could picture Jim smiling cheerfully as he made that particular edit. He frowned. “It’s all fun and games until everyone on this ship is covered in red itchy rashes,” he said to no one in particular. He’d been trying to avoid a full on confrontation, but he finally decided there was no way around it and headed to the bridge.
He strode off the turbolift and onto the bridge toward the captain’s chair. “Now look Captain, it is of the utmost medical importance that you listen to – Jesus Christ, Jim, are you fucking kidding me?” Jim looked up at him innocently, but Bones didn’t notice because he was too busy staring at Spock, or more specifically, at Spock’s right ear, which was entirely pink and covered with a series of green dots. Jim followed his gaze, and his mouth dropped open a little when he saw what Bones was looking at. By this time, everyone had turned to stare at Spock, who flushed a little, said “Please excuse me,” and headed for the lift. Glaring at Jim, Bones said “Spock, I’d better see you in five minutes when I get down there.”
Jim had the audacity to have a slight grin on his face. Sulu looked pissed. Chekov looked slightly in shock, and Uhura just looked confused.
“Captain, may I respectfully ask that you get your ass down to the sickbay right now.”
Jim rolled his eyes but got up and obediently followed Bones to the turbolift. As they stepped through the door, Bones turned around and said, “Nobody kiss him for at least a week. I’m serious. Nobody!”
“You’re really killing my reputation here, Bones,” Jim said, after the door closed.
“From what I can see, Jim, your reputation doesn’t seem to have suffered enough damage yet.”
“Bones, I don’t know what you’re going to do about this…situation…” He lifted his hand to hide another smile. “I mean, you already looked in my mouth. There’s nothing there! And before you ask, there are no rashes anywhere else on my body either.”
“I don’t know, Jim, but at least let me take some blood and saliva samples and see what I can find.”
Jim looked up at him and actually batted his eyes. “Would you like samples of any other fluids, Doctor?”
“Jim, you are a pervert and a creep. I’m surprised you didn’t set up a nice vacation home on Luxor.”
“Bones, don’t even joke about that, that’s not funny. So what do you think this is, anyway? Herpes?”
“I think you know that this is NOT herpes. Anyway, we have a cure for herpes now.”
“Space herpes? I think I might have heard you warning me about that one before.”
“Yes, well, I’ll say anything if I think it’ll make you keep it in your pants.”
“I knew it! I knew I should never listen to you!”
“That statement implies that you do sometimes listen to me, which we both know is not the case.”
Spock was waiting for them in sickbay. Jim winked at him and licked his lips.
“Oh, please spare me!” Bones snapped.
“Doctor, I hardly think it necessary for-“ Bones cut him off with a hypospray to the neck. Then everything went dark.
When Bones came to a few minutes later, he was on the ground looking up at the ceiling and Jim was kicking him lightly. Spock was nowhere to be seen. Bones groaned and sat up. “Did that pointy-eared bastard do an alien neck pinch thing on me? Does he realize that those can be extremely detrimental to the human nervous system?”
“Did you realize that jabbing hyposprays into people’s necks can be very detrimental for your social life?” said Jim, holding his hands tightly to either side of his neck in defense.
Bones pulled himself upright. “Take a seat for a minute, will ya, and let me get my samples, and then you can go back to doing captainy things – except for kissing, of course.”
Jim lay down on his back with his hands behind his head. “Go ahead Bones, poke and prod all you want. My body is your body.”
“You do realize that Gaila, Sulu, and Spock have all exhibited the same symptoms after coming into contact with your mouth, right?” Bones asked as he moved around Jim, scanning and swiping. “Speaking of which, the symptoms take approximately four days to appear, which means that you must have kissed Spock after I told you not to.”
“I didn’t kiss him,” Jim said in exasperation. “You didn’t say anything about licking!”
Bones leaned over him, giving Jim his most disbelieving look. “Jim…the tongue…the mouth…argh, never mind. Listen, from now on, nothing with the mouth, and, if you can help yourself, nothing with anything else either, just until we figure out what this thing is and how it works.”
“You spoil all of my fun, Bones.”
“I may spoil your fun, but everyone on this ship who doesn’t have a rash will be thanking me. We’re down to about ten people, I think.”
“Ha ha, very funny. Are you done yet?”
“I’m done. Get out of here. Remember…”
“I know, I know, nothing with the mouth.”
Jim stopped before the door and turned toward Bones, rubbing the back of his neck and blushing slightly. “Hey Bones, you, uh…you might be getting a visit from Chekov sometime tomorrow.”
Bones mouth was still hanging open when the door swished shut behind him.
* * *
Chekov showed up right on schedule the next afternoon, looking sheepish and scratching at his chest. Bones didn’t even get up from his desk, just motioned Chekov over. He reached lazily into a desk drawer and pulled out a hypospray. Chekov leaned down obediently and only made a small squeak as Bones gave him the shot.
“Doctor, the keptin asked me to inwite you to a small party that he’s throwing tonight in his quarters.”
“A party in Jim’s quarters? I think I’ll pass.”
“He told me you might say that. He also told me to tell you that he feels it is medically necessary for you to be there as his CMO to ensure that no one else ends up with a rash.”
“He said that? Manipulative bastard. Okay, okay, tell him I’ll be there.”
Chekov made no move to leave the office. Bones looked at him questioningly.
“Um, Doctor?”
“Yes?”
“Do you think, maybe, you could not be mentioning my…condition….to Lieutenant Sulu?”
“Lieutenant Sulu, eh?” Chekov blushed. “There’s a thing called doctor-patient confidentiality, kid. I generally leave the gossip-spreading to Scotty, so just, you know, don’t tell him.”
“Sank you, doctor.”
“No problem, kid. You stick with Sulu, you’ll be fine. It’s only when you start fooling around with Jim Kirk that you get yourself into trouble.”
Chekov nodded nervously and left the office.
* * *
Someone pushed a glass of synthehol into McCoy’s hand as he walked into the captain’s quarters that evening.
“Are you kidding me? Might as well be drinking cranberry juice.” Bones raised the bottle of whiskey that he’d brought with him. “Now, where are the real drinkers?”
It wasn’t that he liked sharing his personal whiskey stash, but he’d been the recipient of enough contraband alcohol that once in a while he felt like he should share. By the time he’d opened the bottle, Kirk, Scotty, Chekov, and Uhura were all holding their glasses out and looking somewhat desperate. He filled them up one by one and sent them off with a reminder that they weren’t in the Academy anymore and that therefore they should be sipping their whiskey in the proper Southern manner instead of doing shots. Scotty and Chekov seemed to listen, but Uhura and Kirk promptly downed their drinks in one swig. Bones shook his head and poured himself a glass.
Kirk wandered off to mingle, and Bones offered to refill Uhura’s glass. “Not to sound improper,” he began, “but have you experienced any strange rashes recently?”
“Doctor, please, give me a little credit. I’m not about to catch space herpes from Jim Kirk.”
“Space herpes?”
“Well, that’s what Gaila called it. By the way, she thinks you’re hot. She was still pretty hopped up on some kind of truth serum you gave her when I saw her that day.”
Bones glanced across the room to see Gaila smiling at him and giving him a little wave. He looked away quickly.
“Where’s Spock?” he asked.
“Probably standing outside the door right now, trying to convince himself that there’s a logical reason to come to this party. He’ll probably come up with something about observing social interactions in about a minute.”
As if on cue, the door opened and Spock walked in. He also refused the glass of synthehol that someone pushed at him, and shook his head at the whiskey that Bones held out warily, taking care to stay out of nerve-pinch range.
Bones left Uhura and Spock alone and wandered across the room to refill Chekov’s glass. Scotty came over, smacked Chekov on the shoulder, and said “So, you and Sulu, eh?” Chekov nearly choked on a sip of whiskey, then he gave Bones a look that seemed a cross between a hurt puppy and a very angry puppy. Bones put his hands up.
“I swear, I haven’t said a word! What did I tell you about Scotty?”
“What did you tell him about Scotty?" asked Scotty. "I don’t go looking for this stuff! Tell me, is it my fault when Gaila comes into engineering all hopped up on some truth serum and starts telling me all of the crew’s deepest, darkest secrets? No, it's not my fault!”
Bones was trying to feel bad about the extended ramifications about using that particular hypospray on Gaila, but he couldn’t help but be rather amused.
Kirk wandered up to them, slapping Bones on the shoulder.
“Bones! How’s it going? How’s the search for the magical cure to all of our problems?”
“Very successful,” said Bones, handing Jim the bottle of whiskey.
“Ah yes. Although, not exactly what I was referring to,” he said out of the side of his mouth.
“If you’re trying to be subtle, Captain, don’t bother,” interject Scotty. “I know all about you and your space herpes. To tell you the truth, I’m starting to feel a bit left out.” He was actually pouting.
“It’s not herpes,” Jim and Bones said at the same time.
“Whatever. I’m only sayin’, sometimes I feel like the only one on this ship that you haven’t licked.”
Jim gave him a lascivious look and started towards him, but Bones held him back. “Okay, that’s enough.”
“Seriously though Bones,” Jim started, “When are you going to develop the cure?”
“Dammit Jim, I’m a doctor not a pharmacologist!” Jim gave him a skeptical look. “Yeah, that one doesn’t really work, does it?” Bones asked.
Jim shook his head. “Look, you’ve got all my fluids,” he said, emphasizing the last word and looking around to see if anyone had noticed. “Just analyze them and do your doctor thing and make a cure and jab me with it. And that’s always the end goal for you anyway, isn’t it?”
“I’ll see what I can do,” Bones muttered.
* * *
An hour later the party was in full swing and Bones was looking mournfully at an empty bottle of whiskey. He really, really wished he had some more, because this was the part of the party where the lights had been dimmed, the dance music was playing, and Jim was wandering around grinding up against anything that moved. Bones was watching Jim from across the room, so he was the first to notice when Jim slipped over to a side cabinet and pulled out a bottle that appeared to be glowing. Soon there were glasses of the stuff being passed around and murmurs were spreading through the room, amidst which Bones could have sworn he heard the word “Luxor” more than once. The glass pressed into his hand was warm, the drink fluorescent green and pulsating slightly. Jim stood up on a chair and made a toast and before he had really thought through the consequences, Bones had downed his drink in one hot gulp.
* * *
When Bones woke up, his first thought was that he hadn’t remembered his ceiling being carpeted. Gradually, he realized that he was actually looking at the floor, and that the entire top half of his body was hanging upside down over the side of the bed. He pulled himself up slowly and looked around. It was his bed, first of all, which was a good sign. There was no one else in it, which was an even better one. His pants were still on, and he didn’t see any blood. There was something that felt like pudding in his hair – he desperately hoped it was pudding – but if that was the worst thing that had happened last night, he felt justified in breathing a sigh of relief. It wasn’t until he was in the shower, under the pounding, blissfully warm water, that the flashbacks began. He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the shower wall. “Oh God,” he moaned. Jim had somehow smuggled the Luxorian liquor back to the Enterprise, ostensibly as a gift for Scotty. In one of his worst episodes of bad judgement (which was saying something, since this was Jim Kirk they were talking about), the captain had decided to break out the bottle at a party of his most esteemed officers and crewmen. After the initial shot, Bones had only vague recollections. Chekov and Sulu madly making out in a corner. Scotty reprogramming the replicator to make everything into a pudding (well, that explained that, Bones thought). He vaguely remembered duct taping Jim’s mouth shut at some point, and felt rather proud of that one. Somehow, someone had convinced Spock to take a drink, or maybe they had just thrown the stuff on him – Bones was pretty sure the shit could be absorbed through the skin. Regardless, he distinctly recalled Spock trying on one of Uhura’s mini-skirts and claiming that he was a “pretty pretty princess.” Bones winced. Could that have actually happened? And which would be more disturbing, if it had actually happened, or if Bones had dreamt it? He shook his head to rid himself of that image. Perhaps his most disturbing recollection was the moment they had all stood in a circle with their arms around each other, swaying a little and singing a Luxorian praise song that praised, among other things, drinking games that took place on horseback, body modifications involving living insects, and, of course, the planet of Luxor itself. Hmm. Jim’s mouth must have been un-duct-taped by that time, because he could clearly remember him singing, and in fact if he remembered correctly, it was the captain who had suggested doing the song again as a round. “Oh God,” Bones said again, and cursed Luxor with all of the curses that he hadn’t gotten to the last time he’d been cursing Luxor.
Bones made his way to sickbay, where he promptly jabbed himself in the arm with a hypospray of a hangover cure that he had developed. It was known around the Enterprise as a miracle cure, so he wasn’t surprised when Uhura showed up asking for one before her bridge shift. She informed him that since the captain refused to come near a hypospray, he was riding out his hangover slumped in the captain’s chair with the bridge lights at fifty percent. Scotty, Bones assumed, would be sleeping his off under a console in engineering as usual. He didn’t even want to know how Chekov and Sulu were dealing with theirs.
* * *
Bones was working in the med lab when Jim dropped by after his shift. “Not now, Jim, I’m actually working on this thing for you.” He poured one vial of liquid into another.
“You play a good mad scientist, Bones. Wanna get dinner?”
“Not really, I think I may be onto something here.”
“Fine,” Jim pouted. “Hey, how ‘bout that party last night?”
“I have no idea what you were thinking bringing that shit on board the Enterprise, much less actually giving it to people.”
“So, you had a good time then?”
“I may have. I have no idea, since I can’t remember a damn thing.”
“Really? You mean you don’t remember-“
“I remember singing, and Spock wearing a mini-skirt. That’s about it. Speaking of which, do you have any bleach that I can pour onto my brain?”
“So that’s all you remember?”
“Yeah, just about. Why? What do you remember? Did you lick anyone?”
“I may have.”
“Well, I guess we’ll find out in about three days then.”
“Yeah, guess so. Hey, are you sure you don’t want to get dinner?”
“Yes, I’m sure. Get out of here.” He stared intently into a microscope.
“I’ll bring you a sandwich!” Jim called as he walked out the door.
* * *
Three nights later, Bones burst excitedly into Jim’s quarters. “I have the cure!” he announced.
Jim frowned, but tilted his head to the side and pointed to his neck. “Hit me.”
“I don’t have it with me. It’s marinating.”
Jim looked at him. “Marinating? Is it a cure or a steak?”
“Look, just come by sickbay in the morning. I’ll be happy to jab you in the neck then. And you’re welcome, by the way.”
“Thank you,” Jim yelled as Bones strode down the hallway.
* * *
Bones awoke the next morning without an alarm, as he always did. He lay sprawled under the covers for a few minutes, rubbing his eyes and idly scratching at his crotch. Which for some reason really itched. His eyes shot open and he sat up abruptly. Slowly, he lifted the covers and peered between his legs. He let out a very unmanly shriek, and growled, “Jim Kirk, I am going to kill you.” His entire groin area was covered in a rash of jagged red lines and pink spots. And it really itched.
Bones threw on his clothes and stormed through the hallways to sickbay, nearly crashing into Gaila on the way. He was not at all surprised to see Jim there already, reclining on one of the biobeds with his eyes closed and his hands beneath his head. Bones calmly walked into his office and loaded a hypospray with his newly developed cure for Luxorian space herpes. He walked over to where Jim lay, and leaned over him. “Jim?”
Jim cracked an eye open in response.
“Jim, what the fuck did you do to me?”
“Well, apparently I sucked your – OW!!!!!!!!!” he yelled, as Bones shoved the hypospray into his neck with perhaps a bit more force than usual. “Dammit, Bones, that HURT!” He pushed himself upright and grabbed Bones by the arm. By the time Bones noticed that Jim was holding something in his hand, he felt a familiar jab in his neck. The look he gave Jim was one of confusion and shock.
Jim held up the empty cartridge. “Vaccine for the Melconian plague,” he said, tossing it up and catching it in the other hand. “Gaila showed me where you keep them.”
Bones eyes widened and he started backing away.
“I don’t think so, Bones,” Jim said, grabbing him firmly by the upper arms. His intense blue eyes locked onto Bones’ brown ones. “Now. How long have you had a crush on me?”
Bones’ brain provided suitable answers, such as “I have no idea what you’re talking about” and “Are you out of your goddamn mind?” but his mouth helpfully said “Three years and seven months.”
Jim grinned a bright, beautiful grin, with barely any hint of mockery in it.
“Wow,” Jim said. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”
“I didn’t want to ruin our friendship.” Okay, that particular truth wasn’t so bad.
“But how did you resist me for so long?” Jim asked, and Bones had just one second to wonder how Jim could look so earnest asking that question, before his mouth opened and said, “I jerked off a lot.”
Dammit! Bones could feel himself turning bright red. He was mortified, and it didn’t help that Jim was cracking up. He had to do something. Jim had loosened his grip because he was laughing so hard, and Bones took advantage of the opportunity to pull away, grabbing a hypospray off of a tray on the counter. He lunged for Jim, but Jim had let go and was running for the door. Bones chased him, pounding after him down the hallway. Jim glanced back at Bones, tripping over Keenser in the process, and went flying, landing with a hard thud on his back. Bones fell on him, pinning his wrists against the floor above his head. He stuck the hypospray in Jim’s neck and dosed him.
Jim took a few wheezing breaths before he spoke. “You didn’t need to do that, Bones. I don’t need a truth serum tell you anything.”
“Do you want to kiss me right now?”
“Yes. Well, as soon as I catch my breath.”
“Well, too bad, ya can’t, because that cure hasn’t kicked in yet, and I sure as hell don’t want itchy tongue.”
“Point taken.”
“Do you remember what happened the other night, I mean, between you and me?”
“Vividly.”
“Dammit, it’s not fair. I get to remember Spock in a mini-skirt and you remember – well – you know.”
Jim smiled. “How long ‘til this cure kicks in?”
“I’d say twelve hours, to be on the safe side.”
“Well, then how about I refresh your memory tonight after dinner.”
“My quarters or yours?”
“Ya know, I’ve always kind of wanted to do it in sickbay.”
“Jim, I don’t mix work and pleasure, you know that.”
They were silent for a moment. Bones realized that he was still straddling his captain in the middle of the hallway, and slowly stood, offering Jim a hand and helping him up.
“Hey Bones?”
“Yeah?”
“That truth serum still working?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you get off jabbing people with hyposprays?”
“Only you.”
The End
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2009-09-27 03:36 am (UTC)"Regardless, he distinctly recalled Spock trying on one of Uhura’s mini-skirts and claiming that he was a “pretty pretty princess.”
That killed me. Beautiful stuff!
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Date: 2009-09-27 03:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-27 03:53 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-27 01:15 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-27 04:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-27 01:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-27 05:00 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-27 01:16 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-27 05:36 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-27 01:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-27 06:44 am (UTC)*snicker*
no subject
Date: 2009-09-27 01:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-27 09:36 am (UTC)TO FUNNY! xD
no subject
Date: 2009-09-27 01:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-09-27 12:29 pm (UTC)Best. Line. Ever!
This is so many kinds of hilarious and awesome. XD
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Date: 2009-09-27 01:23 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-01 12:39 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-08-01 01:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-15 05:10 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2011-03-15 06:05 pm (UTC)