Intervention: Pinto (Fic)
Jul. 15th, 2010 09:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
therumjournalsTitle: Intervention: Pinto
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
therumjournals
Fandom: Pinto fandom
Word Count: ~2,000
Rating: PG
Description: A documentary follows a Pinto fangirl as she faces an unexpected intervention.
Warnings: themes of addiction, fabricated ZQ tweet, Double Rainbow reference, SPN/J2 reference, complete absence of ZQ and CP, excessive authors notes, extraneous warnings
A/N: This is complete and total CRACK (which is ironic, when you think about it). This story may or may not make sense if you’re not familiar with the show Intervention on A&E. (Here is a little 5 minute taster if you've never seen the show.)
A/N2: I love Intervention and I have a great respect for the interventionists on the show. This story is not intended to make light of people with real addictions or the interventionists that offer them help.
A/N3: And I really hope it goes without saying that this was written with LOVE LOVE LOVE for all Pintoaddicts enthusiasts. Amber is completely fictitious, any resemblance to actual persons is because I wrote this about YOU. Just kidding – this is NOT based on any one person – because really, I’m just making fun of myself. FOR REALSIES :-D
A/N4: I can't think of where to cross-post this. Any ideas?
Scene:
A young woman sits in a darkened room, the only light the glow from the computer screen. She clicks the mouse. Her eyes widen and she screams. She puts her hands over her mouth. The camera zooms in to show that her shoulders are shaking, tears are streaming down her cheeks.
Intervention: Pinto
Cue theme music
(doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo…)
Amber: My name is Amber, A-M-B-E-R. What I call an interest, I guess other people might call…an addiction.
Title Card:
Amber has agreed to be in a documentary about celebrity obsession.
She doesn’t know that she will soon face an intervention.
Amber: I’m obsessed with Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto. Do I love them? I mean, yeah, I love them, but more importantly - they love each other.
Amber ticks off a list on her fingers.
Amber: I read fic, I look for walking posts, I make macros, I flail in the comments, I use sparkle text. I do it all.
Amber: It all started after Star Trek, when I would watch interviews of them on the publicity tour. I mean – “if you need to call it a bromance, you can” and “we enjoy spending time together” and that little cuddle - you just can’t make this stuff up.
Scene:
Amber sits at her computer, hitting F8 over and over again.
Amber: I’m late for work, but someone just posted a picture of Chris, and I think that might be Zach’s arm there on the edge. I can’t leave until someone posts some HQ pics from the event so I can see if it’s really him.
Title card:
Pinto: (pin-to)
1) A combination of the names Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto.
2) Commonly used to refer to the belief that Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto are involved in
a sexual and/or romantic relationship.
Amber’s Mom: Amber almost never leaves her room anymore. When she does, she has her phone and she’s constantly checking Tweeter, or whatever it’s called.
Scene:
Amber and her mom are in the kitchen.
Mom: Amber, could you stir the spaghetti sauce for me?
Amber pulls out her phone.
Amber: Hold on a sec.
She presses a few buttons. Her eyes widen in shock.
Amber: Oh my god, oh my god, Zach just updated his Twitter. “summer evenings. grass under my feet. yearning.” Oh my god, he is totally reminding Chris of the time they were in the park together. Aww, he misses Chris so much! CHRIS, GO VISIT YOUR BB ZQ!
She looks back at the camera, her face is flushed.
Amber: I have to go post this!
She runs out of the kitchen.
Mom: Amber! The spaghetti sauce!
Mom: She almost burned the house down last weekend. She started making fajitas, then went to check her email and completely forgot about them. Next thing I knew, smoke was pouring off the stove. When I went to ask her about it, she said something about finding some picture and “needing to macro the shit out of it.” I don’t even know.
Mom: Yes, of course I feel partially responsible. I’m the one who took her to see Star Trek. I thought it was so harmless at the time.
Mom: Do I enable her? Maybe. She’s my daughter, and I love her. Sometimes, when there’s a party post, she forgets to eat, so of course I bring her a sandwich. She’s my only child, you know? When she asks me to watch Heroes with her, how can I tell her no?
Mom: I tried cutting off her phone and internet service. The withdrawal was terrible…I couldn’t bear to see her like that, she was just so lost, just lying on her bed playing “Don’t Stop Believin’” over and over… When I went in to comfort her, she was crying and moaning something about missing the next installment of Red Ribbon, whatever that means.
Amber: I’m not hurting anyone. It just helps me get through the day.
Mom: God, I just wish I could change the past. I’m so sorry, Amber.
Scene:
Amber walks into her room, takes a seat at the computer.
Title Card:
Amber just found out that she’s lost her job as a receptionist.
Amber: Whatever. It was so stupid. I was only late once or twice a week. And I only looked something up on Twitter that one time. Well, I’m sorry, but I just knew Jachary would be posting something that day. What was I supposed to do, wait until I got home?! Anyway, it’s better this way. With that job, I just didn’t have enough time to read all the fic!
Amber: No, it’s not a sex thing. I mean, yeah, I’m basically turned on like 24 hours a day from reading hot Pinto sex scenes. But seriously, it’s also about the love and the angst and the emotions and stuff. It’s just, you know, it’s Pinto.
Mom: So much has changed. Her wardrobe, for one. She used to have good taste in clothes, she was such a pretty girl. Now, when I see her, I just have no idea how she puts these outfits together. She wears sunglasses all the time, even inside the house. Striped shirts, green shoelaces, and don’t even get me started on the hats.
Scene:
Amber stands in front of her closet, showing off her collection of “fughats.”
Amber: It’s like solidarity, you know? And like, Zach is awesome, so by wearing this stuff, I just think I can be a little more like Zach. … [mumbles] and then maybe Chris Pine will fall in love with me…
Scene:
Mom opens the door to the pantry to reveal row upon row of cans of Pinto beans.
Mom: Look at this. Just look at it. She literally cannot walk into the grocery store without buying a can of Pinto beans. This just cannot go on.
Mom: She’s always talking about wearing a tin hat. You know who wears tin hats? [whispers] Crazy people.
Mom: To be honest, I’m not even sure where she gets this “Pinto” stuff. I mean they’re just actors. I don’t even think the one guy is gay.
Amber: My mom has no idea what she’s talking about. I mean, so what if Chris isn’t gay. He’s gay for Zach, hello, that’s the whole point!
Mom: The addiction is…it just gets so terrible. Sometimes I’ll see her on her computer and she’s literally shaking and crying. I ask her what’s wrong, and she says it’s because of Pinto. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Scene from earlier:
Amber sits in the darkened room, staring at the computer screen. She clicks the mouse. Her eyes widen and she screams. She puts her hands over her mouth. The camera zooms in to show that her shoulders are shaking, tears are streaming down her cheeks.
Amber: (sobbing) Oh my god, oh my god…it’s pictures of Chris and Zach walking together. Oh my god…what is…are those hickeys? [she types frantically, waves dismissively at the camera] Just hold on, I have to tell everyone.
Title Card:
Reports of Pinto addiction have increased exponentially over the past 14 months.
The pinto_fic community on Livejournal lists over 1,600 members,
while ontd_pinto has more than 850 members.
Back to Amber at her computer.
Amber: Oh god, oh god. What does this mean?
Amber: No, I don’t think I need to stop. I don’t want to stop. To be honest, my life wouldn’t really be worth living without Pinto.
Mom: She needs this intervention. This is her last chance. She’s told me herself, she’s almost died from this addiction.
Amber: Oh my god, when I saw the Pinto walking post, I almost DIED. For realsies.
The Intervention
Title Card:
Amber thinks she is going to a screening of Bottle Shock.
Scene:
Amber enters the room to find her entire family present, along with the interventionist, Linda.
Linda: Good morning, Amber. My name is Linda.
Amber: Uh. Hi? Where’s the TV?
Linda: Amber, as you can see, your family is all here today. And the reason they’re all here is because they love you, and they want you to get help.
Amber: What? Oh, hell no!
Linda: Amber, please, just listen to what they have to say.
Amber: What is wrong with you people? I don’t need help, okay? God, you’re all effing insane!
Linda: Please, Amber, just listen to what your mom has written in her letter to you.
Mom: Dear Amber. I remember when you were a little girl. You used to love to write beautiful stories about unicorns and rainbows. And now, I see you on your computer and you’re reading about….about [whispers] anal sex.
Amber: [rolling her eyes] Oh my GOD, Mom! It is NOT just anal sex. There’s angst, and meta, and AUs, and shmoop, and super-hot blowjobs! And sometimes, there are tentacles.
Mom: [crying]
Amber: Whatever.
Linda: Amber, what we’re offering you is a chance to get help. To move away from this addiction and to find friends and interests…I-R-L.
Amber: You don’t even know! Who are you to come in here, telling me I need help? What do you know about it?
Linda: What you don’t realize, Amber, is that I do know. I understand, because I’ve been there. I got help, and I’ve found a better path. I’m a reformed J2 shipper.
Amber: [stunned] You…you…what? That’s impossible!
Linda: I know. It seemed that way at the time. And it took months and months of therapy and work to realize that Jared and Jensen may not actually be together. But it was worth it in the end.
A tear slides down Amber’s cheek. She shakes her head.
Amber: [whispers] No, no.
Linda: Yes, Amber. This is your chance. Will you come to Rolling Hills Recovery Center in California?
Amber: Wait. In California? Is it near Silver Lake? Oh my god, is it near Lamill? Because I’ll totally go if it’s near Lamill. When can I go?
Linda: You can leave tonight. I have your plane ticket right here.
Amber: Tonight? Awesome! I’ll still have time to see Chris’s play! Hold on, I just need to get tickets!
Amber pulls out her phone and starts typing.
Linda: No, Amber, I don’t think you understand. You won’t be able to leave the recovery facility. Your internet access will also be limited.
Amber: WHAT?
Amber looks back at her phone and a wicked smile crosses her lips.
Amber: Oh my god, Linda, you’ll never believe this!
Linda: What is it?
Amber: According to TMZ.com, Jared and Jensen were spotted together at a trendy LA nightclub!
Linda: WHAT?!
Linda lunges across the room to rip the phone out of Amber’s hands.
Linda: Oh my god, oh my god!!
Amber pulls the plane ticket out of Linda’s hands and runs out of the room, whooping.
Jerky camera movements follow her into the hall. A door slams in the distance. Amber is gone.
Fade to black.
Title Card:
Amber took the flight to LA, but did not show up at the Recovery Center that evening.
Title Card:
Three days later, Amber was found wandering in an alleyway near the Mark Taper Forum.
She was taken to the Emergency Room, where doctors confirmed that she had gone into severe shock.
She claimed that the last thing she remembered was seeing
Zachary Quinto give Chris Pine a hug next to the backstage door.
Title Card:
Following Amber’s relapse, she returned to the ontd_pinto community.
Upon sharing her story, she was told, “Pics or it didn’t happen.”
Title Card:
The infamous “Pinto hug” was never confirmed.
Author:
therumjournalsFandom: Pinto fandom
Word Count: ~2,000
Rating: PG
Description: A documentary follows a Pinto fangirl as she faces an unexpected intervention.
Warnings: themes of addiction, fabricated ZQ tweet, Double Rainbow reference, SPN/J2 reference, complete absence of ZQ and CP, excessive authors notes, extraneous warnings
A/N: This is complete and total CRACK (which is ironic, when you think about it). This story may or may not make sense if you’re not familiar with the show Intervention on A&E. (Here is a little 5 minute taster if you've never seen the show.)
A/N2: I love Intervention and I have a great respect for the interventionists on the show. This story is not intended to make light of people with real addictions or the interventionists that offer them help.
A/N3: And I really hope it goes without saying that this was written with LOVE LOVE LOVE for all Pinto
A/N4: I can't think of where to cross-post this. Any ideas?
Scene:
A young woman sits in a darkened room, the only light the glow from the computer screen. She clicks the mouse. Her eyes widen and she screams. She puts her hands over her mouth. The camera zooms in to show that her shoulders are shaking, tears are streaming down her cheeks.
Cue theme music
(doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo…)
Amber: My name is Amber, A-M-B-E-R. What I call an interest, I guess other people might call…an addiction.
Amber has agreed to be in a documentary about celebrity obsession.
She doesn’t know that she will soon face an intervention.
Amber: I’m obsessed with Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto. Do I love them? I mean, yeah, I love them, but more importantly - they love each other.
Amber ticks off a list on her fingers.
Amber: I read fic, I look for walking posts, I make macros, I flail in the comments, I use sparkle text. I do it all.
Amber: It all started after Star Trek, when I would watch interviews of them on the publicity tour. I mean – “if you need to call it a bromance, you can” and “we enjoy spending time together” and that little cuddle - you just can’t make this stuff up.
Scene:
Amber sits at her computer, hitting F8 over and over again.
Amber: I’m late for work, but someone just posted a picture of Chris, and I think that might be Zach’s arm there on the edge. I can’t leave until someone posts some HQ pics from the event so I can see if it’s really him.
Pinto: (pin-to)
1) A combination of the names Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto.
2) Commonly used to refer to the belief that Chris Pine and Zachary Quinto are involved in
a sexual and/or romantic relationship.
Amber’s Mom: Amber almost never leaves her room anymore. When she does, she has her phone and she’s constantly checking Tweeter, or whatever it’s called.
Scene:
Amber and her mom are in the kitchen.
Mom: Amber, could you stir the spaghetti sauce for me?
Amber pulls out her phone.
Amber: Hold on a sec.
She presses a few buttons. Her eyes widen in shock.
Amber: Oh my god, oh my god, Zach just updated his Twitter. “summer evenings. grass under my feet. yearning.” Oh my god, he is totally reminding Chris of the time they were in the park together. Aww, he misses Chris so much! CHRIS, GO VISIT YOUR BB ZQ!
She looks back at the camera, her face is flushed.
Amber: I have to go post this!
She runs out of the kitchen.
Mom: Amber! The spaghetti sauce!
Mom: She almost burned the house down last weekend. She started making fajitas, then went to check her email and completely forgot about them. Next thing I knew, smoke was pouring off the stove. When I went to ask her about it, she said something about finding some picture and “needing to macro the shit out of it.” I don’t even know.
Mom: Yes, of course I feel partially responsible. I’m the one who took her to see Star Trek. I thought it was so harmless at the time.
Mom: Do I enable her? Maybe. She’s my daughter, and I love her. Sometimes, when there’s a party post, she forgets to eat, so of course I bring her a sandwich. She’s my only child, you know? When she asks me to watch Heroes with her, how can I tell her no?
Mom: I tried cutting off her phone and internet service. The withdrawal was terrible…I couldn’t bear to see her like that, she was just so lost, just lying on her bed playing “Don’t Stop Believin’” over and over… When I went in to comfort her, she was crying and moaning something about missing the next installment of Red Ribbon, whatever that means.
Amber: I’m not hurting anyone. It just helps me get through the day.
Mom: God, I just wish I could change the past. I’m so sorry, Amber.
Scene:
Amber walks into her room, takes a seat at the computer.
Amber just found out that she’s lost her job as a receptionist.
Amber: Whatever. It was so stupid. I was only late once or twice a week. And I only looked something up on Twitter that one time. Well, I’m sorry, but I just knew Jachary would be posting something that day. What was I supposed to do, wait until I got home?! Anyway, it’s better this way. With that job, I just didn’t have enough time to read all the fic!
Amber: No, it’s not a sex thing. I mean, yeah, I’m basically turned on like 24 hours a day from reading hot Pinto sex scenes. But seriously, it’s also about the love and the angst and the emotions and stuff. It’s just, you know, it’s Pinto.
Mom: So much has changed. Her wardrobe, for one. She used to have good taste in clothes, she was such a pretty girl. Now, when I see her, I just have no idea how she puts these outfits together. She wears sunglasses all the time, even inside the house. Striped shirts, green shoelaces, and don’t even get me started on the hats.
Scene:
Amber stands in front of her closet, showing off her collection of “fughats.”
Amber: It’s like solidarity, you know? And like, Zach is awesome, so by wearing this stuff, I just think I can be a little more like Zach. … [mumbles] and then maybe Chris Pine will fall in love with me…
Scene:
Mom opens the door to the pantry to reveal row upon row of cans of Pinto beans.
Mom: Look at this. Just look at it. She literally cannot walk into the grocery store without buying a can of Pinto beans. This just cannot go on.
Mom: She’s always talking about wearing a tin hat. You know who wears tin hats? [whispers] Crazy people.
Mom: To be honest, I’m not even sure where she gets this “Pinto” stuff. I mean they’re just actors. I don’t even think the one guy is gay.
Amber: My mom has no idea what she’s talking about. I mean, so what if Chris isn’t gay. He’s gay for Zach, hello, that’s the whole point!
Mom: The addiction is…it just gets so terrible. Sometimes I’ll see her on her computer and she’s literally shaking and crying. I ask her what’s wrong, and she says it’s because of Pinto. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Scene from earlier:
Amber sits in the darkened room, staring at the computer screen. She clicks the mouse. Her eyes widen and she screams. She puts her hands over her mouth. The camera zooms in to show that her shoulders are shaking, tears are streaming down her cheeks.
Amber: (sobbing) Oh my god, oh my god…it’s pictures of Chris and Zach walking together. Oh my god…what is…are those hickeys? [she types frantically, waves dismissively at the camera] Just hold on, I have to tell everyone.
Reports of Pinto addiction have increased exponentially over the past 14 months.
The pinto_fic community on Livejournal lists over 1,600 members,
while ontd_pinto has more than 850 members.
Back to Amber at her computer.
Amber: Oh god, oh god. What does this mean?
Amber: No, I don’t think I need to stop. I don’t want to stop. To be honest, my life wouldn’t really be worth living without Pinto.
Mom: She needs this intervention. This is her last chance. She’s told me herself, she’s almost died from this addiction.
Amber: Oh my god, when I saw the Pinto walking post, I almost DIED. For realsies.
Title Card:
Amber thinks she is going to a screening of Bottle Shock.
Scene:
Amber enters the room to find her entire family present, along with the interventionist, Linda.
Linda: Good morning, Amber. My name is Linda.
Amber: Uh. Hi? Where’s the TV?
Linda: Amber, as you can see, your family is all here today. And the reason they’re all here is because they love you, and they want you to get help.
Amber: What? Oh, hell no!
Linda: Amber, please, just listen to what they have to say.
Amber: What is wrong with you people? I don’t need help, okay? God, you’re all effing insane!
Linda: Please, Amber, just listen to what your mom has written in her letter to you.
Mom: Dear Amber. I remember when you were a little girl. You used to love to write beautiful stories about unicorns and rainbows. And now, I see you on your computer and you’re reading about….about [whispers] anal sex.
Amber: [rolling her eyes] Oh my GOD, Mom! It is NOT just anal sex. There’s angst, and meta, and AUs, and shmoop, and super-hot blowjobs! And sometimes, there are tentacles.
Mom: [crying]
Amber: Whatever.
Linda: Amber, what we’re offering you is a chance to get help. To move away from this addiction and to find friends and interests…I-R-L.
Amber: You don’t even know! Who are you to come in here, telling me I need help? What do you know about it?
Linda: What you don’t realize, Amber, is that I do know. I understand, because I’ve been there. I got help, and I’ve found a better path. I’m a reformed J2 shipper.
Amber: [stunned] You…you…what? That’s impossible!
Linda: I know. It seemed that way at the time. And it took months and months of therapy and work to realize that Jared and Jensen may not actually be together. But it was worth it in the end.
A tear slides down Amber’s cheek. She shakes her head.
Amber: [whispers] No, no.
Linda: Yes, Amber. This is your chance. Will you come to Rolling Hills Recovery Center in California?
Amber: Wait. In California? Is it near Silver Lake? Oh my god, is it near Lamill? Because I’ll totally go if it’s near Lamill. When can I go?
Linda: You can leave tonight. I have your plane ticket right here.
Amber: Tonight? Awesome! I’ll still have time to see Chris’s play! Hold on, I just need to get tickets!
Amber pulls out her phone and starts typing.
Linda: No, Amber, I don’t think you understand. You won’t be able to leave the recovery facility. Your internet access will also be limited.
Amber: WHAT?
Amber looks back at her phone and a wicked smile crosses her lips.
Amber: Oh my god, Linda, you’ll never believe this!
Linda: What is it?
Amber: According to TMZ.com, Jared and Jensen were spotted together at a trendy LA nightclub!
Linda: WHAT?!
Linda lunges across the room to rip the phone out of Amber’s hands.
Linda: Oh my god, oh my god!!
Amber pulls the plane ticket out of Linda’s hands and runs out of the room, whooping.
Jerky camera movements follow her into the hall. A door slams in the distance. Amber is gone.
Fade to black.
Amber took the flight to LA, but did not show up at the Recovery Center that evening.
Title Card:
Three days later, Amber was found wandering in an alleyway near the Mark Taper Forum.
She was taken to the Emergency Room, where doctors confirmed that she had gone into severe shock.
She claimed that the last thing she remembered was seeing
Zachary Quinto give Chris Pine a hug next to the backstage door.
Title Card:
Following Amber’s relapse, she returned to the ontd_pinto community.
Upon sharing her story, she was told, “Pics or it didn’t happen.”
Title Card:
The infamous “Pinto hug” was never confirmed.
